Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: SUNDAY, January 15, 1995                   TAG: 9501160009
SECTION: BUSINESS                    PAGE: F-3   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: CAMILLE WRIGHT MILLER
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

IF THERE'S A DEATH IN THE FAMILY, IT'S ENOUGH TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY

A: The Rev. Jan Fuller Carruthers, chaplain of Hollins College, finds the best approach is to say, ``I'm sorry about Sally's death.'' This simple and honest approach is sufficient.

Carruthers counsels that you not ``be afraid to say the child's name.'' While friends may avoid the child's name because they don't want to cause additional pain or want ``to avoid imagining something similar happening for themselves, it's very affirming for the parent to hear the name, to know the child hasn't been erased from everyone's memory.''

People, Carruthers says, ``return to work because they need structure and shape to their lives.'' While ``they are not going to be able, at work, to forget their loss, they do need what work offers.''

As a result, co-workers can expect occasional emotional moments; however, Carruthers believes it isn't ``a co-worker's job to ask the person to talk about the loss. One can offer, though, to listen.'' During periods of grieving, ``individuals need to feel cared about.''

``It's useful to watch for small things you can do for the parent. For example, stop by your co-worker's desk and mention you're going for a sandwich. Ask if you can get one for your co-worker,'' Carruthers said. Small acts are ``tangible evidence of caring.''

Unless one has suffered similar loss, Carruthers urges refraining from the statement, ``I know what you're going through.''

Q: I've been promoted and, it seems, need a new wardrobe for the position. Spending my entire salary increase on clothes seems counterproductive.

A: Even if money is available for a new wardrobe, you should invest slowly in clothing purchases. Planning a wardrobe and buying over time avoids costly errors.

Errors fall in two categories: buying clothes before one fully understands the organization's culture or buying clothing with limited usefulness.

Mistakes in the former category occur when one makes purchases only to discover a dressier or more casual climate once on the job. Mistakes in the latter include unusual clothes so noticeable they require long periods between wearing or clothing that requires purchasing several other items to make them wearable.

Critically review your closet. Identify clothing you can mix and match to achieve a two-week working wardrobe inventory. Identify two or three items which would make a significant difference in your inventory. Then shop.

Limiting your wardrobe to a few basic colors and using accessories (scarves or ties) to add more color is an excellent way to build the base of a wardrobe.

Make sure your current wardrobe is in excellent shape. Buttons securely sewn? Shoes polished and well repaired? Briefcase polished? Since these are the details others will notice most, it's more ``cost-effective'' to spend time improving what you already own.

Q: I've been given considerable grief for always being late. Why can't others simply understand I'm busy and let it go at that?

A: Everyone is busy - it's the nature of the world in which we work. Habitual lateness conveys the message that you value your time more than that of others. It's equivalent to a social snub, which you surely don't intend.

Resolve to be on time. To do so, you may need to install one or more clocks in your office. Make sure they all show the correct time.

Learn to take control of your end of phone calls and meetings.

Begin phone conversations with ``I'm interested in your opinion of the XYZ deal. I have 10 minutes before my next appointment; if we need more time, I can call you back this afternoon at 3.'' Similarly, at meetings let others know at the outset that you have to leave at 2:45 for an appointment. ``Framing'' phone calls and meetings is a common business practice.

If you're on a call which could make you late, say you have an appointment in 15 minutes and ask if the conversation should be continued later. Often the conversation can be concluded within minutes.

While controlling time and calendars can be difficult, the message accompanying habitual lateness is one you don't want to send.