Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, January 25, 1995                   TAG: 9501310008
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

HOW MANY WAYS TO MISS THE SUPER BOWL

I think it can now be said with certainty that the Super Bowl will be about as exciting as making cole slaw or watching the clock on the microwave.

That's why I feel a strong public duty to suggest ways to avoid the game and all of those clever commercials the advertising industry has prepared for us.

Let's face it. John Riggins isn't going to run down the sideline for the clinching score in this one. This is not to say that various persons in the uniforms of the San Francisco 49ers won't do this. Several times. Maybe more than several times.

I wish you could all afford a safari in Africa, but that seems to be a drastic way to miss the Super Bowl.

A much simpler and less expensive tactic is to channel surf. So what if you run into a chesty young woman and a long-haired young man selling exercise equipment?

"Mildred Pierce" might be on the American Movie Channel, or "Stella Dallas." Even if it's just Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, you come out ahead.

And the Weather Channel is nice this time of year.

The wisest course is to stay away from television during the hours of the Super Bowl - and the hours of trash that precede it

(Who was that woman who flew over the stadium in a Zeppelin years ago? You know. She burbled a lot.)

I know that some of you aren't as lucky as I am - which is to say that some years ago you had better sense than to buy a 30-pound, two-volume history of Western civilization. You try to read that on Super Bowl Sunday, and you'll want go for a long walk in the fresh air.

You can stay indoors and have a family discussion about whether Connie Chung sandbagged Newt Gingrich's mother or whether Hillary seriously considered putting something in the tea when she had the Gingriches over to the White House.

You can pop in "Grumpy Old Men" and marvel, as many people of male persuasion have, about how kind time has been to Ann-Margret.

Afternoon naps can be stimulated by discussing issues now before the General Assembly of Virginia. If you talk about that enough, you're sure to nap until halftime.

I don't care whether Connie Chung sandbagged the old lady or not, and I don't care about the General Assembly, so I won't be joining you.

I guess I'll spend most of the day brooding about why time was so good to Ann-Margret and let old yours truly here go to pieces.