Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SUNDAY, February 12, 1995 TAG: 9502100037
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Darryl E. Owens Orlando Sentinel
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
Or maybe it was because she left a host of pantyhose dangling on the clothesline in the shower like a team of high-wire walkers.
Perhaps it was because you both never seem to have enough cold cash to keep up with the Joneses.
Different triggers, same result.
Spats. Fights. Quarrels. Brouhahas.
At some time during most relationships, couples argue, and often the dispute is only a symptom of an underlying issue. Yet spats aren't necessarily evil, as couples can use them to enhance relationships by examining what is really at the core of the eruption.
Arguments, for better or worse, are one way people have of making contact, particularly after being distant for a while.
And that's why some experts say all spats boil down to one thing - space.
``It can be played out in other things, like money, sex and power, but the basic thing is about closeness and distance,'' said Susan Johnson, an associate professor of psychology and psychiatry at Ottawa University in Ontario. ``The most basic scenario is involving the woman wanting closeness and the man backing off.
``All fights are about what kind of relationship are we going to have, the closeness, the distance, who's in control.''
And yet, despite the proliferation of how-to books, talk shows and self-help videos, plus the emergence of the ``sensitive man,'' many couples still do not know how to argue productively.
That said, how do we get down to dissecting the problem and engaging in some fruitful negotiations?
First learn to fight fair.
Bickering couples often get swept away by heated words, and the discussion becomes a verbal sparring session. Such fights often are characterized by these signs:
Criticism. Instead of attacking the issue, one partner shoots for the other's Achilles' heel.
Defensiveness. A partner feels threatened and shuts off her ears to what the other is saying.
Contempt. One partner views the other in an extremely negative light, having no positive regard for him or her.
Stonewalling. A partner protects his ground by avoiding the other, walking out on the discussion or changing subjects.
``These are the four things you want to avoid,'' said Marti Lisa, a marriage and family therapist at the Marriage & Family Therapy Center of the Christian Service Center for Central Florida.
``It is important to recognize the partner's vulnerability, and be caring enough not to attack or wound them,'' she said. ``What's really imperative is to stick to the issue.''
With any dispute, you can bet emotions are steering things, making intellectual discourse less likely. So it's more likely negotiation evolves following heated words.
The key is moving that process along.
Defining the issue upfront is essential.
``A lot of fights start with tossing out blame,'' said Lisa, adding it's important to determine ``is the issue the anger, the hurt or what was done? If you define the issue, you know when you're off the issue. Somebody has to be in charge of saying `We're off the issue' and then move you back to it.''
Airing feelings is OK. But avoid personalizing the talks with phrases like ``you're so difficult'' or ``you never.''
``Nothing is going to keep you angrier than if I start denigrating your character,'' said Ottawa's Johnson.
If the spat assumes that tone, it's probably time to pause.
``The whole point about a fight is that it's emotionally engaged. It takes a hell of a lot of guts to stop, and talk about what's happening to you,'' Johnson said.
``Somebody suddenly says `Why are we fighting? I can't handle it.' It makes them vulnerable. It's kind of like putting down your weapon - it's risky - but if the relationship is meaningful it's worth it,'' she said. ``If you start seeing the other person as the enemy it's difficult to move.''
If a timeout is called, it's vital to return to the issue.
``It's not so important that the sparks fly at the time, but what is important is that when you calm down and have time to deal with your own feelings that you get back in contact and talk about it,'' Johnson said.
``That's the time you discover new things about each other. When you do the most damage is when people fight and don't talk about it. The main thing is not to be too scared of the fight and not to avoid each other afterward. Otherwise, the fight doesn't really end. There's still those sad faces and sad feelings.''
Movement is synonymous with change, an argument's bottom line. Surprisingly, the change resulting from a positive argument may come from within.
``If I change, you have to. The way you change is to change stuff, not to change people. Most people think change is a negotiated thing, but it's an individual thing,'' said Ronald Whittall, a Winter Park, Fla., marriage and family therapist.
``Everything really comes back to what you do, not what the other person does,'' he said. ``The mistake many make is trying to tell someone to do something while thinking `I'm not going to change.' ''
It is important to point out that one partner in most couples is more able to deal with emotions than the other; after the initial blowup, this partner usually finds it easier to take responsibility for trying to turn the fight around.
Some experts say that often a perpetual peacemaker may start to resent that role and to question his or her partner's convictions.
Whittall offers another opinion.
``The issue is not who does it first, the issue is that someone has to do it,'' he said. ``If you believe that value-wise you don't want to fight, don't fight.''
``If what you're doing is negotiating a value system, I don't care if I have to do it [reach out] for 25 years,'' Whittall said. ``Marriage is each partner giving 100 percent of what they are. If I have the capacity to reach out, that's what I should do.''
One final thing to remember the next time a spat ensues over his forgetting to recap toothpaste or her throwing away his favorite pair of ripped-just-right underwear, sometimes a fight about taking out the garbage, is just that.
``It's important not to disregard any complaint,'' Lisa said. ``It may simply be that you didn't take out garbage. It's important to be respectful of that to say `Is anything else going on?' and be respectful that it may be just that simple.''
by CNB