Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, February 13, 1995 TAG: 9502140019
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: A7 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: CHRISTOPHER SLONE
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Forget Rupert Murdoch.
Forget Connie Chung.
The only thing really wrong with Newt Gingrich is Newt Gingrich.
Newt Gingrich the name, that is.
What is it about the new speaker of the House that irks us so? While he hasn't exactly shown the wisdom of Solomon, he hasn't shown the goofiness of Clinton either, and nothing he's done so far realistically reeks of independent counsel.
Many think Newt's just getting a taste of his own bulldog medicine, having nipped at the heels of Speakers Wright and Foley for so long. Could be, but the speakership isn't exactly known for being one of the more gentlemanly jobs in Washington. We should expect a certain amount of roguishness in any speaker, who is quite simply Zeus atop an Olympia of egos. No, I think there's something else at play here.
It's his name.
Had Mama Gingrich named her little darling Billy or Adonis instead of Newton, he'd have been OK. Or had Little Newt been born into a family of Worthingtons or Richelieus instead of Gingriches, he'd have been OK. After all, even little Knute Rockne came out all right, didn't he? But Mr. Speaker, as fate would have it, got the double-whammy: Newt Gingrich, a name that defies good will. (It's almost always spoken in the same clinched-teeth tone as is the name Scott Farkus in the movie ``A Christmas Story.'')
It could have been worse, though, seeing how it came about. Few people know that originally Newt had a normal name, a good name, Noble Goodman he was called ... until some Georgia redneck dawgs stole young Goodman's name, took it behind a shed, and beat it with an ugly stick! Had young Goodman's father not come to the rescue when he did, history would forever refer to our current speaker as Nudy Gastrofart. Thank goodness for doting and attentive fathers everywhere.
When you think about all the hurdles Newt's overcome since the tragedy, you can't help but admire the guy. And not just him. Think about all those who've similarly endured, those who've even gone before him in the name of moniker equality, the Rosa Parks, if you will, who have refused to give up their rightful seats to the ignorant, condescending Smiths of the world:
There was Nappy Bonaparte.
There was Festus, of both biblical and Gunsmoke fame.
There was Art Linkletter.
And there was Englebert Humperdinck, perhaps the most descriptively challenged man of modern times.
They overcame. They didn't wimp out like your John Waynes (born Marion Morrison), your Danny Kayes (born D.D. Kominski) or even your Coach K's (born Mike Kzychshczechkzjcgserbianchkzcroatkzewski). Sure, these men are beloved by mainstream America, but would they have cut the mustard under their original labels? God only knows for sure. But Newt did it. He hit the Big Time with a Big-Time Ugly name.
So lighten up. The speaker's not such a bad guy. Everybody has his or her handicaps, and Gingrich's just happens to be his name. (Well, OK, there's also that look he sometimes gets in his eyes that reminds you of Satan smiling over Sodom before the fire and brimstone fell ... )
Christopher Slone, of Roanoke, is marketing director at Camelot Hall of Salem and writes for The Senior News.
by CNB