Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, February 22, 1995                   TAG: 9502230034
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

I HOPE IT'S NOT A CONTRACT TO THE POORHOUSE

It hasn't come across my desk yet, and I certainly haven't signed it. I think, though, that it's a little different from George Bush's Thousand Points of Light extravaganza. Maybe we ought to be grateful for that.

I do worry sometimes about the fine print, and we all know that a few "whereases" and "parties of the second part" can be hazardous for aging persons - leading, maybe, over the hill to the poorhouse.

I also think there's a clause in there that compels Mr. Rogers to take his sweater and his sneakers and get out of the neighborhood. Would that be all bad? I dunno.

I'm durable, boys. Newt Gingrich doesn't scare me. I've been through the New Deal, the Fair Deal, the New Frontier, Camelot and Jimmy Carter.

I 've been through the CCC, the NRA, the WPA, the TVA, the EPA and the NBA, just to mention a few.

I remember Thomas E. Dewey, Alf Landon, Herbert Hoover, Wendell Wilkie and Bob Taft.

There are some people who would tell you that I remember the Wide Awake Party, but these wretches are merely jealous of the magnificent body I've been able to forge in my dotage.

To return, however, to the contract, I don't recall anybody asking me if I wanted one or not. If the Republicans want one, however, I guess they can have it.

I'm sure Newt's mother enjoys the TV time the contract has gotten her son, while waiting for her next shot at an interview with Connie Chung.

The truth is, though, that I don't hear a lot of discussion about the contract - which is not surprising because I no longer go around accosting people and asking them things.

Interviewing people in public places used to be one of my really favorite things to do.

Ha. Ha. You get into the express lane at the supermarket and say: "Pardon me, ma'am. I'm from the newspaper, and I wonder what you think about the Contract with America."

Those days are gone. I'm too old to go around getting hit upside the head with a loaf of French bread.

I can't tell you what to do about the contract. I don't think we can break it if we haven't signed it.

We'll just have to hope it doesn't have an over-the-hill-to-the-poorhouse clause.