Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: FRIDAY, February 24, 1995 TAG: 9502240047
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: A9 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: MARK A. SCHUSHEIM AND JANET S. SEITLIN
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
Hundreds of thousands of ``small civilizations'' die each year in America. Like any individual death, these losses may mark a peaceful, though painful, transition to a new stage in the lives of survivors. In contrast, however, they may set off a lifetime of misery because of lack of preparation and unresolved conflicts.
Ideally, of course, all married couples would live happily ever after. Unfortunately, some do not. Worse, the stubborn pursuit of that lost ideal often continues the conflict even after there is, in practical terms, nothing left to fight over.
These conflicts often become even worse as they move through the adversarial court system, where the notion of ``winners'' and ``losers'' is strong. Separating families need an alternative to this us-vs.-them arena. That alternative is a mediation environment in which the parties can air their differences and learn how to ``agree to disagree agreeably,'' as the saying goes. As we see in the courts every day, failure to provide this sort of therapeutic mediation is devastating, especially to children.
Just as unresolved conflict with a dead parent or spouse can prolong and embitter the grieving process, continuing conflict with a living ex-spouse can extend the pain of divorce indefinitely. The big difference is that, with death, the survivor must do his or her own grieving and move on with life. In a divorce with children, each partner must come to terms with the separation and loss of the marriage and still maintain a co-parental relationship with the other.
As a lawyer/therapist mediation team, our job is to help the parents negotiate their parenting plan as well as their financial separation.
The families we see need legal help, just as the heirs to an estate often do, but they also need much more. They need help to bring order to their lives and to become a two-household family. In short, they need to create a new relationship in divorce.
In order to quell the animosity, however, they need to understand where the turmoil comes from.
All people carry with them problems from childhood, but for some those unresolved problems become part of a ``script'' that they replay over and over again. The cast changes, but the play goes on in what therapists call ``transference.''
Transference is the fuel that drives the craziness in close relationships. When we misinterpret our feelings to be facts, our judgments and behavior are impaired. If we do nothing to change these feelings, the old patterns will continue.
For example, in a family Mark worked with in therapy, the woman complained that her husband was emotionally distant, neglectful and unfaithful. Mark learned that she had married a man much like her father. Unconsciously, she was still trying to fix the problems of her childhood. In truth, she was just as helpless to change the husband as she had been to change her father.
The husband, conversely, was conceited and self-centered. His mother had catered to him and he believed he could do no wrong. The marriage stumbled when neither partner followed the other's script.
Nothing changed until therapy helped each of them realize that they picked the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Once they developed a ``no-fault'' attitude, they were able to communicate more effectively and work more cooperatively as divorced parents. Ultimately they worked well enough in mediation to create their own parenting agreement.
Divorce plagues the courts because we have not developed ways to help a divorcing couple handle the emotions that make it so destructive. As a result, 25 percent of the cases in Family Court are post-divorce. These former partners are still at war, draining the judges and support staff of the court with their emotional intensity. Yet, there is no consensus on how to help them get on with their lives. We have hospice programs and survivor groups for people facing a terminal illness or mourning a death, but there is little support for people whose personal world is crumbling around them in a divorce.
Another family we worked with was referred by the judge to mediation 10 years after their divorce. They were back in court, still battling over ``possession'' of the child. Because they couldn't talk to each other, they would call the police or their attorneys to deal for them. These middle-income people had squandered well in excess of $40,000 for attorneys without reaching any solutions.
Their child had been diagnosed with an attention deficit disorder and was more than a year behind in school. He was disruptive in class and frequently disciplined. He also suffered from severe asthma, especially during visitations.
In one incident, the child suffered an asthma attack during a weekend with the father. The boy was supposed to return to the mother on Sunday evening. Because of the attack, the father took him to the emergency room overnight on Sunday and directly to school late the next morning without informing the mother.
The following week the mother retaliated. When the father arrived to pick up the boy, the mother and son hid in a closet with all the lights out. The father called the police, who pounded on the front door. Little wonder the child had asthma; he was holding his breath in fear.
In mediation, the parents acknowledged the boy's emotional problems, agreed to put him in therapy and chose a therapist. We had little success with them otherwise because they were resistant to any therapy for themselves to address their old issues. Because the old war never ended, the custody litigation continued.
To avoid such interminable warring, divorcing couples need services early on that are collaborative rather than adversarial, that impose order, that help parents take responsibility for their own decisions, that show them what options are available and that guide them in making choices.
The mediation team creates a safe place for the couple to discuss emotionally charged issues. Mark, the therapist/mediator, sets the ground rules and manages the behavior of the parties and their attorneys. He intervenes at any hostile word or even a roll of the eyes, calling attention to the offense and ruling it ``out of order.'' Meanwhile Janet, the attorney/mediator, guides the discussion toward reaching agreement on specific issues such as child care, money and property.
Parents also need education. In Florida's Dade and Broward counties, divorcing parents must take a course about the effects of divorce on children. The four-hour course deals with children's worries and the effects of parental conflict. Last fall, Dade County added a three-hour class to help the children understand their own feelings and new family structures.
The Catholic archdiocese and some other religious organizations also offer counseling and support groups for divorcing parents and children, as do many family-therapy clinics and private social workers.
Unfortunately, most people focus strictly on the legal matters and don't use counseling or mediation services to the fullest extent. Most people caught up in a divorce still do not know how to grieve for their lost dream, and their friends, families and lawyers still do not know how to help them. We need a new model, one that places the legal portion in perspective with the emotional and social problems.
We also need to do a better job of telling people where to get help when their family is breaking apart. Only when divorces are dealt with collaboratively rather than adversarially can the crisis of family breakup be resolved in a healthier way.
Mark A. Schusheim, a social worker/therapist, and Janet S. Seitlin, a lawyer/mediator, have been co-mediating divorces since 1991. They teach the course ``Children of Divorcing Parents'' at Miami-Dade Community College. They wrote this column for The Miami Herald
Knight-Ridder/Tribune News Service
by CNB