Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, February 28, 1995 TAG: 9503010046
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: CODY LOWE STAFF WRITER
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
After five years, "we both realized things were not going good, that we were not happy with each other," Dave Calhoun said.
"We had been trying to change each other ... our personalities are so different. We didn't want things to end, but we felt like we couldn't go on."
At one point, they separated for a few weeks and contemplated divorce, Sybil Calhoun said, then two things happened to completely turn their marriage around.
First, they got counseling from their pastor at Shenandoah Baptist Church, and second, they attended the FamilyLife Marriage Conference.
More than 320 couples attended last March's conference in Roanoke, conducted by a Little Rock, Ark.-based ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.
This is the 19th year for the conferences, now held in 47 U.S. cities. Couples attend sessions from Friday night through Sunday afternoon. This year's Roanoke conference will be March 24-26 at the Holiday Inn, Tanglewood.
Organizers stress that the conference is for all married couples, not just those who are having difficulties in marriage, and is intended to make even strong partnerships stronger.
Though the sessions are not intended to be a cure-all for those who are ready for divorce, organizers also say they are happy when broken marriages - like the Calhouns' - are healed.
After hearing a fellow church member who had been to a conference in another city describe it, the Calhouns, who are both 28, "felt like this might be something that could really help," Sybil said.
They worried, she said, about the prospect of sitting through "two days of talking," she said, but "it wasn't like that at all."
The sessions were fun, the Calhouns said, and involved lots of practical suggestions and numerous specific projects that couples work on privately as a team.
There are some dangers for couples like the Calhouns.
Some of the private projects "bring out a lot of hurts that we would not normally have expressed," said Dave, supervisor of a painting crew for a business that repairs residential fire damage. "In a different setting, they would be confrontational, but not here because we truly are trying to get along."
"We knew there might be risks opening up that much. We had been to the point of `we can't go on like this.' [But] the conference was exactly what we needed."
Conference sessions are aimed at helping participants communicate more effectively with each other and get back in touch with the feelings that attracted them in the first place.
Last year, one of the projects involved "writing each other a love letter [describing] the good qualities you liked that made you want to get married," Sybil said.
Couples practice techniques to raise each other's self-esteem, build confidence and even "positive ways to have an argument."
Dave said the conference began to benefit their relationship even before it ended.
The sessions end Saturday afternoon in time for the couples to head out for a "date" that evening. "By then," Dave said, "we realized it had made a big difference for us."
"It came to a point, right in the middle, where we had been tearing down a few things that had come between us. Then everything was rebuilding and positive between us. It was such a relief that we were understanding each other so much better after only a day and a half."
The sessions will "not solve all your problems," Sybil warned, but will give a foundation to build on. "A lot of couples, they get to the point that there is a wall and they just can't go any farther. This doesn't solve everything, but it gives you ideas about how to get over the wall."
Though the conference is Christian-based and includes sessions with titles such as "God's Plan for Oneness," the Calhouns said they believe every couple could benefit regardless of their religious faith.
Religious viewpoints "are strongly advocated," Dave said, but anyone could get "a lot of practical things out of it."
"There isn't any pressure on anyone to convert to any certain religion," and they "don't preach the whole time," Sybil, a registered nurse, said. "You really don't feel pressured in any way."
The Calhouns are planning to go back to the conference this year to attend the special sessions for repeat participants, who call themselves "alumni."
And they encourage just about every couple they know to attend.
"To me, a big proof of the thing came last August," said Dave, when he and Sybil had a private ceremony with their pastor to renew their marriage vows.
"That really meant a lot to me," Dave said. "I look back on the whole process as a big highlight of my life."
The FamilyLife Marriage Conference begins at 7 p.m. March 24 and continues until 4:15 p.m. March 26 at the Holiday Inn, Tanglewood. Registration is $70 per person, though group discounts are available before Friday. Participants are responsible for their own hotel registration, which is $65 per night at the Holiday Inn. Additional information is available by calling Tod and Jane Stillson at 362-2156 or Rob and Susan Turner at 344-7088.
by CNB