Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SUNDAY, March 5, 1995 TAG: 9503040014
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: G-3 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: EDMUND C. ARNOLD
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Thanks to the wonders of modern medicine, we of exquisite conscience, have a totally new - and satisfyingly large - group of sinners to save from their own earthly weaknesses.
Searching for a subject that would guarantee their publication in the New England Journal of Medicine, a group of researchers has determined that caffeine is addictive. That makes it a drug. That will enable the government - with our prodding, of course - to demand that all coffee containers, down to and including ceramic mugs, must carry warning labels with their dire prediction of caffeine's lethal capabilities. This labeling will provide honest work for deserving printers, a great economic and moral boon.
It will also require a dedicated army of federal watchdogs to keep our weaker brethren and sistern from an addiction that may well bring medical disabilities not yet discovered, much less even imagined. Granted that this will cost the U.S. treasury a noticeable amount of dollars, it will certainly be worthwhile to save the general populace from the bitter fruits of its own addiction.
Quite probably any such extra costs could easily be covered by a tax upon coffee. For every new sin proclaimed, there can be a sin tax. We know that it will be impossible to outlaw the production of coffee. Our experience with tobacco has demonstrated that. Although surreptitiously hidden, there is an insidious and effective coffee lobby that - according to authoritative sources - is already writing checks for the 1996 political campaigns.
And we anti-caffeine purists have no one like the departed Congressman Henry Waxman of California, whose sterling endeavors to redeem us all from the curse of nicotine has been ignored by the voters of California.
A coffee sin-tax could substantially dent the federal deficit or - more gratifying to those of us who love our neighbors so well en masse - could afford a tax relief to the lower upper class. Or it could fund cash rewards for inner-city students who promise to abstain from caffeine. This has been implemented in the crusade against teen-age pregnancies.
Although there is a grave danger that it would arouse the citizenry, especially south of the Mason-Dixon Line, an anti-caffeine tax could be thrust upon Coca- and all the other colas that have enslaved the decadent with caffeine. That would bring salvation from addiction to truly Gargantuan numbers of those of raveled moral fiber.
We would, of course, have to be alert to the efforts of those who pander to human weaknesses. Faceless characters, working in laboratories far from the public eye, have succeeded in creating colorless beer and crystal colas. Spurred by opportunity to evade taxes, they undoubtedly are already working to develop a clear coffee with which they would ply innocent but weak citizens who would pretend they are sipping only 7-Up or even Perrier.
There would be need for well-trained and highly motivated enforcement personnel. This would be a significant factor in reducing the percentage of unemployment. Concomitantly, the need for litigators for both prosecution and defense of the Caffeine Cartel would help absorb the constantly engorged ranks of law school graduates. Quite probably we would need more prisons, an obvious boon to the construction industry. The ripple effect would bring prosperity to every American home.
The task is huge. But we are not daunted; we who are endowed with a strong sense of civic oversight and the dedication of pure hearts, must engage in battle against this insidious evil. We may be reviled for our noble efforts - see Nation, Carrie - but we will march onward as to war, secure and smug in the assurance that heaven will smile on us who are endowed by our Maker with finest sensitivities and total commitment to doing good.
Edmund C. Arnold, a retired newspaper consultant and journalism professor, lives in Roanoke.
by CNB