ROANOKE TIMES 

                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, March 20, 1995                   TAG: 9503210028
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

JUNKMAILERS NEED TO GET ACTS TOGETHER

I ask you now to join me in a campaign that will end the insanity of form-letter mail that many Americans throw unopened into the trashcans of this nation.

This will not be an easy road, my fellow Americans. We must challenge American commercial men and women to work together for the common good.

I suggest that they forget the rigors of the marketplace and use joint computerized form letters, which would all go in the same envelope and greatly reduce paper usage and disposal.

Thus, the president of the Amalgamated Insurance Co. would write:

"Dear Benjamin S. Beagle Jr.:

"I'll bet you've had too much on your mind lately to think about what your death might mean to you and your family. But, I'll tell you this, Benjamin S. Beagle Jr., people are dying every day.

"If you don't want your family demolished by funeral costs just fill out the enclosed form and I'll send you our sensible brochure titled HOW TO TAKE THE STING OUT OF DYING and rate tables."

The next letter would be from the head man at We Never Saw A Lawn We Didn't Like Inc.:

"Dear Benjamin S. Beagle Jr.:

"As the poet said, 'The year's at the spring/ And the Day's at the morn.'

And we at Never Saw A Lawn want you to know about this great package of lawn care we can offer you as a preferred customer. You are a preferred customer because you have a lawn, and we will make it the envy of the neighborhood.

"Think of it, Benjamin S. Beagle Jr. With our Mean Green Sod Revival plan, you will have a lawn that will be a joy to mow and a testimonial to your devotion to your home.

"The Amalgamated Insurance Co. would be proud to see you buried in a lawn like that."

There are other possibilities - including the CEO of another insurance company writing that if you don't get nursing home insurance you'll be sorry about what happens after you fall down and get can't up.

Put all of these letters in the same envelope, and the postal service, your trashcans and your landfills, and your nation, will be better off.

Not to mention Benjamin S. Beagle Jr. 


 by CNB