Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, April 3, 1995 TAG: 9504030022
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: BEN BEATLE
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Infants know how to get on the information highway before they're toilet-trained.
With a new computer wrinkle called HeavyMail - known as H-Mail by the pros, you can send your mother six pounds of calorie- and fat-free candy that tastes like candy.
The large H-Mail package allows you to send a UPS truck loaded with NordicTrack Walkfits from Springwood, Va., to Detroit with a single key stroke. I don't know why anybody would want to do that. I also don't understand E-Mail right here in 1995.
You can click on HairFare and a lovely Austrian girl named Sonya, wearing a lovely native costume, will come to cut your hair. If you have CD-ROM-A-VA-VA-VA-BOOM-BOOM, she will don a fetching bustier and sing assorted tunes from ``The Sound of Music." Total cost, including CD-ROM-A-VA-VA-VA-BOOM-BOOM, is $365.73. Plus tip.
There will also be a service that will allow you to interact with your TV and be present during the O.J. Simpson trial.
Modern science has been able to restore O.J. and other principal participants to the way they were in the spring of 1995.
The state of California - to avoid a mistrial in case everybody died before the trial was over - paid for the research.
They gave the treatment to Kato Kaelin, who complained bitterly because he is afraid Marcia Clark is going to get him. But the state said it was certain he would be recalled to the stand.
In addition to being afraid of Marcia, Kato has run out of people who want him as a house guest.
Most of the original CNN commentators have retired or died and a generation of stenotypists is on workperson's comp with carpal tunnel syndrome.
Marcia Clark still has a nice smile and Johnnie Cochran still looks and acts like your favorite uncle.
Those modern scientific advances mentioned above haven't done much to cover Robert Shapiro's bald spot, but he hasn't forgotten how to wear a double-breasted suit.
There's no trace of gray in Judge Ito's hair. Jury members haven't aged a year. The judge's secretary got the treatment because it was obvious the court couldn't run without her.
F. Lee Bailey looks as much over the hill as he did in 1995 and still shakes his finger at people who largely ignore him.
The state of Virginia hasn't done anything about my aging process, so I won't be here when the jury comes back. Don't feel sad about that. That way I won't have to worry about H-Mail.
by CNB