
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, April 12, 1995                   TAG: 9504120030
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

ALL THIS TALK OF HOLLYWOOD SURELY WOULD HAVE CROSSED MASTER TOM

The rider was coming up the mountain to Monticello - where Thomas Jefferson was cursing in five languages because his calendar clock was broken again - but his nerve failed him and he reined up at Michie's Tavern.

"An' whut th' divil may this be?" Mr. Michie asked, setting a flagon in front of the rider. "An' ain't it yerself whut's supposed to be on up th' mountain givin' Master Tom th' latest news?"

"'Twas me hope, Mr. Michie, thet ye'd be sumwhut kinder of manner," the rider said. "Ye doan know how things be goin' Over There these days."

"An' jist how might thet be, if ye doan mind me askin' and beggin' yer pardon an' all?" Mr. Michie said. "If it's thim Playboys takin' thim nekkid pitchers of thim wimmen stewdents down tuh th' acky-demmical villidge, thet be an old per-turb-unce fer Master Tom whut doan rile him much no more."

"An' it's me whut's wishin' it were a simple matter of uh couple of wimmen in th' altogether or uh bad year fer thim footballers," the rider said. "Th' latest news is much crooler thin thet kind uh folly, though."

"Oho, then," Mr. Michie said. "Am I thin tuh throw yew an' yer horse into the cold or will ye loosen yer tongue sumwhut, yew vaggy-bond?"

"Very well,' the rider said. "It's me whut'll unburden meself if ye'd be kind enuff to fill me flagon agin."

"Dun," Mr. Michie said, "and proceed, ye low-quay-sheeus varmint."

"Well," the rider said, "thim folks Over There has gone an' made uh movie in which Master Tom is played by Nick Nolte - th' same whut played uh wide receiver in thet there movie about them Dallas footballers an' has had uh lot of uther parts which did not egg-zackly hev tuh do with gintlemen."

"Achoo and damn," Mr. Michie said. "Thet Over There be a strange place, indeed."

"In addition," the rider said, "they've brot up all thet old stuff about him havin' tuh dew with Dusky Sally whilst in Paris and elsewhere."

"Nick Nolte playin' Master Tom?" Mr. Michie said. "'Tis uh horror come tuh life."

"Thin," the rider said, "there be all thet stuff about him an' thet other lass whilst he was in Paris and how he weren't able tuh speak in th' French fashun."

"Doan ride up there this day, lad," Mr. Michie said. "Yer life wuld be in peril if Master Tom heard about him not bein' able tuh par-lay in French, not tuh menshun Nick Nolte."

by CNB