Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, April 18, 1995 TAG: 9504180097
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: JANE BRODY
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
But his friends and family saw another side of Stewart, an ugly, argumentative side that emerged when he had too much to drink, which seemed to be happening more and more often.
So they hatched a plan they hoped would save him. Everyone who meant anything to Stewart, including his 10- and 13-year-old children, joined him at a friend's house one morning on a ruse that they would be helping the friend move.
Before Stewart knew what was happening, he found himself surrounded by a circle of caring friends and relatives who told him one by one that they loved him but could not continue to live with him or be his friend the way he was.
As one of his closest friends recalled, it was a show of tough love. He said he told Stewart: ``I love you like a brother, but I need you to be different. I can't stand you when you're drunk. You get nasty, belligerent, hard to talk to. You put yourself and others in danger by driving drunk. You had an accident last month in which you could have been killed. I don't want to lose you. I want you to get help, and I want you to get it now. I have the names of people you can call who can help you.''
Stewart was stunned, and so overwhelmed by this show of deep caring and concern that he wept. He also stopped drinking that very day. That was 13 years ago, and Stewart O., who asked that he not be further identified, has been dry ever since. He gives thanks daily for those who cared enough to save him from himself and give him back his life.
There are 18 million alcoholics in this country - men, women, teen-agers, college students, the elderly - many of whom drink excessively in secret. At least they think it is in secret. Among them are people who are your neighbors, co-workers, friends or relatives.
Chances are you know who at least some of them are, and chances are you are reluctant to interfere. You are afraid to embarrass the person or yourself, perhaps, or you are not sure what to say or do, or you think that surely someone closer to the person should be the one to intervene.
But experts who treat alcoholism say otherwise. Those closest are often the last to acknowledge the existence of alcoholism, perhaps because it happened gradually, perhaps because they are in perpetual denial.
Rather, the experts insist, anyone who recognizes the problem should be the one to confront it, to call the person's attention to the fact that someone knows his or her ``secret'' and to let the person know that help and a listening ear are available whenever he or she is ready for them.
As Renee Zito, executive director of the Hazelden Fellowship Club, a chemical dependency treatment center in New York City, put it: ``Say something, anything, to them. Let them know you're aware they have a problem. Sit them down and tell them: `I love you too much to watch you die. I know there's help available and I want you to do something.' They may get furious with you and fly into a rage. But they will remember what you said at some level. Their denial will be pierced. They may not act on it right away, but if and when they do get help, they'll be grateful to you. They will recognize it as evidence that you care.''
It does not matter if you say things imperfectly as long as you say something that expresses your concern with love, gentleness and respect. Ms. Zito suggests using ``I'' phrases like ``I noticed'' or ``I'm worried'' since the person cannot argue with your feelings.
She also suggests focusing on the effects alcohol abuse are having on whomever or whatever the person cares most about, whether it is a job, family, friends or physical or mental abilities.
How often a person drinks or how much that person consumes is not a reliable guide to the presence of an alcohol addiction problem. Nor can one rely on conventional stereotypes associated with late-stage alcoholism, like unreliability at work or as a spouse or parent, slovenliness, depleted finances or the presence of an alcohol-induced illness.
The time to confront the problem is before it has had a devastating effect on a person's relationships, job and health.
The Hazelden Foundation, based in Center City, Minn., has published two brochures to help people detect alcohol or drug dependency in people they know and guide them through the intervention process. Among signs of alcohol abuse are these behaviors:
Drinking more than usual, even if the increase occurred gradually.
Periodically going on the wagon or switching from hard liquor to beer.
Only going to parties or places where alcohol is available.
Having a personality change when drinking.
Driving after drinking or getting angry when you asked for the keys.
Making calls late at night without remembering the conversation the next day.
Bragging about drinking exploits or, if you do not approve, being secretive and withdrawn.
Having a couple of drinks before you even get together.
Complaining about other people or stopping seeing certain friends.
Having problems on the job, at home, with money or with the law.
In older adults, the Hazelden experts say, the signs of alcoholism tend to be different. About two-thirds of older alcoholics have been drinking excessively for much of their adult lives, while the remaining third began abusing alcohol later in life, perhaps after retiring or losing a spouse.
Some of the signs of alcoholism in older people, like problems with memory, balance or sleep, are often incorrectly assumed to be natural consequence of aging or the effects of chronic illness. Among other signs of alcohol abuse are these behaviors:
Trying to dispose of large numbers of empty alcohol bottles secretly.
Often seeming slightly tipsy or sometimes having slurred speech.
Having unexplained burns or bruises and trying to hide them.
Seeming more depressed or hostile than usual.
Neglecting personal appearance or gaining or losing weight.
Losing interest in activities or hobbies that he or she once enjoyed.
Having trouble handling routine chores or paperwork.
Having irrational fears or delusions or being unduly stressed.
Often smelling of alcohol or the mouthwash used to disguise it.
Complaining of sleeplessness, loss of appetite or other health problems that have no physical cause.
Making a ritual of drinking before, with or after dinner and getting upset when this routine is disturbed.
Two brochures published by the Hazelden Foundation, ``What Can I Say to Get You to Stop?'' and ``How to Talk to an Older Person Who Has a Problem with Alcohol or Medications,'' are available at no cost by calling (800) 257-7800 or writing to Hazelden, P.O. Box 11, Center City, Minnesota 55012-0011. For additional pamphlets, books, tapes or other materials, the number for Hazelden Publishing and Education is (800) 328-9000.
- New York Times
by CNB