Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, April 20, 1995 TAG: 9504210069
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: CHRIS HENSON
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
I think the ceremony is just an old Broadway production we all star in eventually. Each performance has a different cast, but we follow the same basic script.
We all wind up on that stage or at the altar reciting those familiar words:
``I, so-and-so, take what's-her-name here, to be my sweet chiquita.'' There's a minister prompting us, but we still fudge our lines and drop a ring and scratch our armpits.
Now that our tax returns have been sent out, a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of filing jointly. So, between now and Thanksgiving, you and everyone you know will have to go to, or be in, a wedding.
The invites are in the mail. Trust me.
In 1992 I attended 13 weddings. I probably drove 60,000 miles and bought 150 bath towels (always a nice gift because they can be taken back to TJ Maxx like some large, absorbent gift certificate).
Because I've been to so many weddings, including my own, and because I have so many towels, I feel I am qualified, indeed compelled, to pass along what I have learned about nuptials.
IF YOU ARE INVITED TO A WEDDING:
1. Remember that you have to say ``congratulations'' to the groom and ``best wishes'' to the bride. Do not mix these up. If you ``congratulate'' the bride, the happy couple will have a million cock roaches dumped on them. It's that serious.
2. Do not catch anything that is thrown toward you - garter or bouquet. Pretend that flying garters and bouquets are huge anvils and run from them. You could be next!
IF YOU ARE IN A WEDDING:
1. Suggest that the bridal party dress ``casual.'' I don't care who you are, fuscia is not your color. And if you have to rent a tux, you will not look comfortable in it. They are ill-fitting for the same reason bowling shoes are ugly - to make sure they are returned.
2. Don't let the groom talk you into performing a rap song during the ceremony. Especially if you have to rhyme ``matrimony'' with ``macaroni.'' This mistake was made at a wedding I attended here in Roanoke. A lot of people were alienated.
IF YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED:
1. Wear your glasses. I was at one wedding and the bride began to dab at her eyes during ``Ave Maria.'' Her groom moved closer to comfort her on that happiest day of her life. Spectators swooned. Turns out he was helping her find a contact lens that had fallen onto her dress.
2. Don't forget party favors. I went to a cool wedding on a front porch where guests were given commemorative T-shirts emblazoned with a picture of the couple's house. We colored them with crayons. It was sort of like camp.
3. Never trust an older DJ with reception music. At one wedding we heard the ``Theme from Taxi'' three times. No lie!
4. Have the following reception staples in ample supply: Corn Nuts, meatballs (not dark brown), ham biscuits, frothy punch, Sam's Wholesale Club mini-quiches, those little wieners, potted meat on crackers and a salad with Snickers bars chopped into it.
5. Don't forget your dad. At a New Year's Eve wedding I went to, the ceremony was held up two hours because the father of the groom had been left at the hotel. When they went to get him, he refused to leave until ``Terms of Endearment'' was over. He was very emotional during the ceremony.
6. Do not drink alcohol the night before you get married. Amy and Mark had a big church wedding. Very traditional. A woman sang from the balcony as guests fanned themselves thoughtfully. About 20 minutes into the exchange of vows, Amy, still rough around the edges from a bachelorette party, threw up and dropped to the floor in her mother's antique silk wedding dress. The reception was somewhat subdued.
So, here is my Off The Clock advice to you if you're going to a wedding, playing a part in one, or even getting married:
Sit back and enjoy it!
You will never remember the candles or flowers or cake or bridesmaids' dresses. You'll forget the trillionth toast and who caught the garter.
It's the unexpected laugh, the deviation from the script that you will remember forever. It's the snapshot of someone acting natural and it's the bored 3-year-old making engine noises in the back of the church while pushing a Hotwheels car along his pants leg.
Big church weddings are great with all the pomp and frills and fancy choreography. But don't let that keep you from throwing up. Hey, you're making a memory.
Off the Clock is an occasional column that spotlights Southwest Virginians having a good time away from work. Free-lance writer Chris Henson will include advice on how to make the best of your weekends. If you have tips to pass along to him about new restaurants, local bands or shows of interest, call the Extra section at 981-3353.
by CNB