Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, April 27, 1995 TAG: 9505060004
SECTION: PARENT'S GUIDE PAGE: PG-5 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: SARAH COX
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
The rub comes in when these children, approximately ages 10 to 15, desperate to develop their own characters and show their independence, can't really handle this responsibility.
"As parents, we tend to think we're always going to have more say in their lives,'' said White. This, and a host of other issues, can cause big problems.
But White, along with child and adolescent psychiatrist Dr. Himanshu Patel, and Herman L. Horn Elementary School guidance counselor Mildred Bryant, said adolescence doesn't necessarily have to be a terrible time in one's household. It is a time of growth, for both parents and children.
White pointed out that generally it's a time when parents are also entering a new phase - middle age - in their lives, and at times this rubs with adolescence like the San Andreas fault line in California.
Don't presume your sweet, innocent, nicely behaved and ready-to-please youngster is going to turn into a dreadful problem, and on the other hand, don't presume your difficult child is going to continue the trend into adolescence.
According to White, you can't tell what's going to happen. However, Patel said "if there is a problem at a certain age, there are going to be subsequent problems.''
And generally, the old theory of a child born tabula rasa (with a clean slate) is not true either. There is, said Patel, the issue of a child's given temperament, something innate but not necessarily genetic. Doctors don't know why children are born with certain temperaments, but "these temperaments stay with them, unless significant occurrences take place,'' he said.
Knowing what's ahead, and laying the groundwork to emerge successfully from adolescence, is what's most important. Understanding the process, and above all, realizing that it's just a phase, is also important. Patel explained that adolescence is just one phase of development, and it encompasses cognitive, physical and emotional changes. And with each child, it begins and ends at different ages.
Patel said girls mature physically about two years earlier than boys. Roanoke County has a booklet, "The Characteristics of the Middle School Student,'' which outlines the physical, intellectual and socio-emotional characteristics of ages 10 to 14, and includes worry signs as well as suggested family responses.
Roughly, each grade level or age displays different signs. A 10-year old may possess a positive attitude toward life; an 11-year old may be belligerent and selfish. The peer group becomes all-important, as does self-image. A child's harshest criticism is directed toward the family, because it is from them they receive unconditional love. What's important is how parents react and interact with their children.
All agree that parents must develop good listening skills. Don't just talk and dictate and advise. Be there when your child wants to talk, and according to White, seize the moment, however inconvenient it may be, because when a parent is ready to listen, the child may not want to talk.
White suggested parents should try to stay calm, but know when to draw the line.
"I tell parents, they are the adults; they can say `no,' '' said White. Patel also suggested picking and choosing the battles. "What you have is wisdom; they have stubbornness,'' he said. Adolescents have gained the new skills of abstract and conceptual thinking, and they want to try them out.
"They're like 2-year-olds who want to feed themselves, and make a mess of it. If you don't let them, they get wild,'' he said.
So when they want to talk, listen "without being critical or bossy,'' said Patel. But be firm and be a parent. There are non-negotiable points, and children should be taught that privileges are not a right, they are earned. "If that is instilled in the beginning, parents shouldn't have a problem with their child,'' Patel said.
White suggested a number of rules that may ease the years of growth and angst somewhat:
Read as much literature on the subject as possible. White suggested "You and Your Adolescent, A Parent's Guide for Ages 10-20," by Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D., and Ann Levine.
Network with other parents and find out how they're dealing with adolescent issues.
Think things through before making a decision, so you're not caught off-guard.
You have to know your child - is he or she responsible? Can he or she cope with a dangerous situation?
Lay the groundwork years before by being a consistent parent who follows through with rules and expectations.
Be involved in their life.
Bryant said parents should show that what's important to their children is important to the parents. A child going through adolescence, she said, is sensitive and has needs. "Let the child know, that no matter what, you love him,'' she said.
She, too, feels if groundwork is well-laid in the preceding years it will pay off throughout life.
"They need to be taught from the cradle, and have boundaries. Inconsistency confuses children. Children adapt better to a routine,'' she said. Bryant, who has been an educator for 22 years and in guidance for 19 years, has four children and eight grandchildren. She said her family has always been very close, and one of the keys to success is good communication.
"It's harder, during preadolescence and adolescence, but keep the channels open and show respect and love. This works both ways. If you want respect, you have to show respect. Convey this by allowing children to be unique,'' she said.
Patel agreed. "When parents look at this with a sense of loss, that's when they get in trouble. The important thing is not to mold your children into what you want them to be, but what they are capable of being. Don't satisfy yourself through your child,'' he said.
Both Patel and Bryant pointed out that while adolescence, as far as the three stages of change are concerned, haven't changed over the years, outside influences have. Divorce, an uncertain economy, and uncertain society all make parents insecure, and therefore their children insecure. This, he said, is the price you pay for progress.
"To many children, life is less safe; families are less secure and safe than years ago. There is an increase in divorce, and in step- and single-families,'' said Bryant, who suggested that parents can be more patient, and remember that this, too, will pass.
by CNB