
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, May 8, 1995                   TAG: 9505090064
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

PLAYING BY THE NUMBERS

I think it's just as nice as it can be that the Department of Motor Vehicles will soon let drivers say whether they want their Social Security numbers on their licenses.

Nice, that is, if you don't have to memorize your new number.

This triumph of the common man and woman over government has come too late for old yours truly here, however.

Sure. There was a time when youth burned brightly inside me and I said that my Army serial number was the last I would ever memorize.

You had to know your serial number to get paid, get your laundry done or get your discharge. I sometimes get sentimental about good old 43 001 500. I've never felt that way about my Social Security number.

They wore me down, and I memorized my Social Security number years ago.

That's the way it is, pal. You gotta know your Social Security number to get along in America.

You have to punch it into the phone on some occasions - if you have a punchable phone.

The day is near when you'll call your daughter and one of your grandsons will answer and say your call can't be completed without your number.

He had to memorize his number by the time he was 5. Had to recite it to get into kindergarten.

The undertaker also needs to knows your Social Security number, but we won't get into that right now.

When you get to be my age, you also have to memorize your birth date when you go to the doctor. I have seriously thought about lying about my age and giving my Army serial number down at the clinic.

Seriously, if you're on Medicare and you want to know if a bilateral ulterostomy of the sphenoid ombrigious system is covered, you've got to have your number up front or nobody at the 800 number will talk to you.

You can give 'em your name all day and you'll never find out whether they're going to help out with a ligation of your superior antiludinal transept.

One of these days, you may have to know your Social Security number to buy your supply of Old Forester at the ABC store.

I will say here that, with any luck, the undertaker will have inquired about my number before this dark day comes.

Don't fight it. Life is fleeting. There'll be no Social Security numbers in heaven.

But if you have to give yours to get your wings and harp, don't write nasty letters to me about it.

by CNB