Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, May 22, 1995                   TAG: 9505220015
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

WHO'D WANT HIS NUMBER?

For example, there is the charge that Newt used speeches on the House floor to give out an 800 number you could call to buy tapes of his college course.

This is not the same thing as giving out 900 numbers for girls with names like Yolanda and Taffy, for Pete's sake.

We're talking here about Newt's college courses. I have seen brief portions of his lectures and heart-stopping they are not.

A course I once took on the history of the Fertile Crescent was more interesting. And the professor dressed better.

Where's the harm here? Those people up there do strange things, but I don't think members of the U.S. House of Representatives are going to jam the lines ordering these tapes.

It's not like giving out the number for Giovanni's Pizza, you know.

Well, you say, and what about the 800 numbers getting printed in the Congressional Record? Isn't that free advertising on a massive scale?

Listen, pal. The average American doesn't read the Record - unless Congressman Zero mentions your grandmother's name on her 100th birthday.

The only people likely to read the Record are the vibrant types who already have all of Newt's lectures on tape.

Average people don't go to work and say: "Wow, Edgar, the speech in the Congressional Record by our congressman was a real stunner. And there were some great 800 numbers in there from old Newt."

I'd have fears about the future of a nation whose citizens went around reading speeches by their congressmen.

So, Newt mentioned the 800 number for a political action committee in his speeches. Nobody in his right mind is going to call a political action committee unless he or she has to.

What is important here is that it cost us $14,850 to print 55 pages of Newtonian speeches in the Record - an amount that would go a long way toward paying for a hip replacement.

I say now, my fellow Americans, that since we're not going to get rid of Newt anytime soon, let's dump the Congressional Record.

When you add up the cost of printing all of the speeches all of our congressman make, you ought to be able to save enough to rescue Medicare whether Newt likes it or not.