Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, May 22, 1995 TAG: 9505220018
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 3 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: MARY JO KOCHAKIAN THE HARTFORD COURANT
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
``I'd like another one,'' she answers. She would, more than anything. But she can never carry another child. There is no hope of that. The woman has secondary infertility - the inability to bear another child after having given birth to one or more children.
Immediately after an emergency C-section - she had hemorrhaged - a hysterectomy was performed to save her life.
``It was the best and the worst experience of my life,'' she says. When she woke up from surgery, she found that ``I had a baby girl, and I also was never going to have any other children.''
While the pain of infertility is acknowledged, the pain of secondary infertility is not.
If a couple has produced a child, it is assumed they can have more. Even if a couple's secondary infertility is known, it's often discounted: ``You should be happy you have a child already.''
But ``pain is not comparative. Everyone's pain is their own. It's not a question of who's better or worse off,'' says Harriet Fishman Simons, a social worker in Wellesley, Mass., whose practice specializes in infertility issues. She is author of ``Wanting Another Child'' (Lexington), a book about secondary infertility.
``Often the message people get is that they should be happy, that it's not as big a loss because they already have a child. They should be thankful for the child they have - and of course they are - but that doesn't take away the pain of not being able to have additional children,'' Simons says. ``I think a lot of people feel badly about not being content.''
The message that they should be thankful for what they have says ``they don't have a right to their pain,'' Simons says.
The grief, ``the death of future children,'' is devastating to this mother, who always expected to have two or three in her family.
And couples must cope with the grief while attending to child-rearing. ``One of the hardest aspects is being able to enjoy and nurture the child they do have. There's a lot of depression associated with infertility. It's very difficult,'' Simons says.
Because couples with secondary infertility typically have a young child, they are often confronted with babies as they take their child to school or to friends' houses.
The best thing couples with secondary infertility can do is find support, says Simons, who has been deeply involved with Resolve, a national support group for people with problems of infertility. Many people involved in Resolve have primary infertility, but the organization ``is very open to serving people with any kind of infertility.''
``I think everyone who goes through infertility needs some kind of support,'' Simons says - someone to talk to, whether that's through conversations with empathetic friends and family members, counseling, or through Resolve services. Resolve offers member-to-member contacts for people who are reluctant to be in a support group. ``It's important for people to become informed as much as possible, both about medical and emotional aspects,'' Simons says.
It would help couples if others developed more sensitivity and awareness.
``The important thing to recognize is that if people have only one child, it's not always by choice,'' Simons says. ``I think people have gotten somewhat better about being sensitive to couples who don't have any children, but I think once a couple has a child they're assumed to be fertile. ... They say things like, `When are you going to have another?' or `Don't you want to have another?' which can be very hurtful. The thing to be aware of is that there's a possibility it's not due to choice. Also, that secondary infertility hurts.''
by CNB