Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: THURSDAY, June 1, 1995                   TAG: 9506020002
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 5   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Joel Achenbach
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

DOGS LIKE TO ROLL BECAUSE ... WELL, BECAUSE THEY'RE DOGS!

A: The other day a Why editor's dog happily wandered into the house with an unknown slime all over its belly. The smell proved nearly fatal to the human occupants. They could not figure out the nature of the substance on the dog. The reigning theory is that it had once been a squirrel.

Why are dogs so gross? We won't even get into the tendency of dogs to hungrily eat what can only be described as feces. We are just talking about the rolling thing. All dogs seem to instinctively writhe around in smelly substances.

There are several reasons they do this. First you have to understand that thousands of years of domestication have not completely erased the wolf within the dog. Wolves roll around in smelly things, as do many other predatory animals, particularly lions. The theory is that predators want to disguise their scent. A wolf doesn't want to smell wolfish. Smell like a dead animal, no one thinks they're about to be attacked.

But we got two other possible explanations from Randy Lockwood, an animal behaviorist with the Humane Society of the United States. He's studied dogs and wolves and he doubts that being stinky is all that helpful to a predator. ``A wet wolf that's been rolling in a dead moose smells like a wet wolf that's been rolling in a dead moose,'' he says.

Instead, he thinks that wolves simply like to get attention from the other wolves in the pack. Being disgustingly smelly makes a wolf interesting. It says the wolf has been out and about and has found neat stuff. Likewise dogs crave attention. ``Attention, for a lot of dogs, is more important than food.'' Thus the rolling-in-goop instinct is not so much enforced by survival needs but rather a side effect of wolves and dogs being such social critters.

Another possibility is that the slime actually helps the dog's coat. Those fatty acids keep the fur water-repellent and so forth.

Dogs and wolves, by the way, are often considered separate species, but there's an asterisk to that. They are so genetically close they can mate and have fertile offspring. Some taxonomists argue that by definition they are the same species. But for the record a dog is Canis familiaris. A wolf is Canis lupus.

Both love to roll around in something and become Canis yuckus.

Q: Why aren't humans polygamous, like gorillas?

A: As a general rule, human beings believe in monogamy. They also believe in the principle of moderation. Their actual behavior is another thing altogether: It's what you might call ``monogamy in moderation.''

In this column we have explored the heartwarming topic of love many times, and as you know our basic explanation is that love doesn't exist, that we're all just crude machines of flesh destined to act out a genetic program.

That said, it's interesting that marriages are so formalized. Why are there so many laws that certify, enforce and defend monogamy?

You probably already know that marriage has been, in many cultures throughout human history, a political arrangement. Clan elders pick the husband and wife. They're offered up as a way of binding the clans together and keeping them from constantly trying to steal each other's pigs or whatnot.

You also probably think of marriage as something that benefits women and children. Marriage certifies that the male has responsibility for providing for his kids, and can't just skip town, leaving the mother in the lurch.

But here's a factor that most people don't realize: Marriage benefits men, both individually and as a group. The individual man gets the support of a spouse. But the larger population of men get better odds at finding a mate. To be blunt, monogamy makes it easier for loser dudes to get a date.

``There are a lot of loser guys. Most young males are loser guys,'' says Lionel Tiger, a professor of anthropology at Rutgers University.

If a society is polygamous, a relatively small number of powerful, rich or otherwise desirable men could provide for a relatively large number of women. Guys who are losers will be left out of the equation. So what happens is, the loser guys enforce the institution of monogamy. One mate per person.

Sometimes, losers rule.

Joel Achenbach writes for the Style section of The Washington Post.

- The Washington Post