Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: SUNDAY, June 4, 1995                   TAG: 9506020049
SECTION: BUSINESS                    PAGE: F-5   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: CAMILLE WRIGHT MILLER
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

HOW NOT TO TAKE ANOTHER'S BAD BEHAVIOR PERSONALLY

A: Paula B. Harris, with the Manassas Group, suggests you break the effects of negative behavior and "let their bad behavior stay with them where it belongs."

Harris, a licensed clinical social worker, says that "we all have an automatic way of talking to ourselves. When this pattern is negative, it can keep us stuck with bad feelings." For example, after a negative encounter, "you say to yourself `that person must not like me. I must have done something wrong.'" You may feel depressed, guilty, act angry, or become withdrawn."

Rather than let another's behavior influence your day, Harris encourages framing your thoughts differently. She recommends saying to yourself, "This person is not doing it to me. He doesn't even know me. It's his problem, not mine." With these statements, you won't take the behavior personally.

Harris believes changing the way we talk to ourselves allows us to feel "confident and relaxed." She also counsels talking "to a supervisor to vent frustrations and anger and to affirm your perceptions about the difficult situation." In some cases, Harris finds, "being open to discussing the situation can lead to new procedures being put in place to help avoid recurrences."

Take responsibility only for your own behavior. Remind yourself of this to reduce distress and allow you to serve others with your usual attitude.

Q: Four of us had a working-lunch scheduled. Three of us arrived a little early; the fourth was very late. We didn't accomplish much and I was put off by the latecomer's discourtesy. How long must we wait before starting business?

A: The first few minutes of any meeting are given to social chatting; this custom allows slightly tardy individuals to integrate easily. After about 10 minutes, conversation is usually turned to the agenda:

At the 10-minute mark, it's appropriate to call the absent member's office to see if there's a problem. Share the information gathered with your lunch partners. Then suggest moving on to matters at hand and bringing the latecomer up to speed upon arrival.

When the latecomer arrives, your frustration level's low since work wasn't hindered. If the latecomer becomes a no-show, you've lost no time.

We're all presented with unavoidable problems such as flat tires or heavy traffic. When arriving late under those circumstances, it's a relief to find the initial problem didn't hinder business. On the other hand, there are those who are never on schedule - either for the attention received upon arrival or because they don't respect others. Those who habitually "run" late shouldn't be accommodated.

Everyone's day is tightly scheduled so being on time is important. Awareness of time constraints prompts many to call lunch dates in advance to ensure everyone's working on the same schedule.

Q: I would like to make a major career change, but am afraid I won't succeed. How can I know I'm making the right decision?

A: You can never be 100 percent certain of making the right decision, but risks can be carefully calculated. Planned change offers some security. Susan Jeffers, author of "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" (Ballantine, 1987), offers a guide to risk-taking.

Identify what can be gained in making the change: increased job satisfaction, more money, more responsibility and greater personal satisfaction. Also draw a "worst case scenario" list. Acknowledge the worst that can happen if you make changes and if you don't.

Jeffers also suggests homework. Research the job. Talk to people knowledgeable about the career you've chosen. Pursue feedback from everyone, from family to professionals. She believes talking to those who want us to succeed provides insights into ourselves and the possibilities change offers. She also gives credit to trusting your instincts. You know what's right for you.

We all have different comfort levels with change; however, if you find yourself unable to decide, consider working with a counselor to increase your comfort with change. Planned risk-taking simply reduces the risk.