Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SUNDAY, June 18, 1995 TAG: 9506210022
SECTION: SPORTS PAGE: E-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: JACK BOGACZYK
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
That wouldn't be Bob Uecker, but another icon, Babe Ruth. In Baltimore, Ruth's hometown, the new, 9-foot statue of the Babe unveiled outside Camden Yards is prodigious, but like the game Ruth built, it's screwed up. The statue depicts Ruth holding a right-hander's glove.
Babe batted left-handed, threw left-handed, drank left-handed and ate hot dogs - lots of them - left-handed.
This is what happens when people are in a hurry, which is what baseball suddenly is. Never mind that negotiations on a labor agreement are moving with all the speed of the O.J. trial, the owners want what has been a timeless game speeded up.
Everyone used to blame Carlton Fisk, who regularly caught three-hour games. Then, Fisk retired on the way to Cooperstown, a nice place that appreciates a slow pace. Anyway, the club owners - the Lords of the Big Flies - turned to former umpire Steve Palermo for suggestions on how to shave some minutes from the ballpark experience.
One obvious answer that won't happen is to have the umpires call the rule book's strike zone, which in most arbiters' eyes now is about the size of a large box of Wheaties. There were other Palermo proposals the majors will try after July's All-Star Game, but there are some other speedy ideas that perhaps the owners might want to consider, too:
To keep the score down and limit baserunners, do not allow any pitcher with an earned run average of more than 5.00 to start a game. Of course, this means the Minnesota Twins' rotation would be Kevin Tapani.
To keep from losing baseballs in play, cut down the ivy at Wrigley Field. That also would allow fans to call an outfielder who runs into the brick wall ``Waffle Face.''
Tear down the new Coors Field and move Colorado's franchise to a location with hotter and heavier air, such as the mall in Washington, D.C. That would lower scores, speed up games and save baseballs - and maybe that antitrust exemption, too.
Three balls, you're on. Two strikes, you're out.
Change designated hitter to short fielder or fourth outfielder to cut off gap hits that put runners in scoring position.
Deliver relief pitchers from the bullpen to the mound by satellite, via the information highway.
To bring more of an electric atmosphere to the ballpark, all hitters should be equipped with necklaces that would bring a jolt when the batter repeatedly tried to step out of a box surrounded by invisible fencing. This would bring new meaning to the term ``taking the collar.''
Fire Harry Caray if he won't sing ``Take Me Out to the Ballgame'' two beats faster from the Wrigley booth.
The owners are trimming the between-innings break to 90 seconds. In the interest of fairness, all remarks by Donald Fehr and Bud Selig about labor discord should be limited to that length.
Stop a game when one team gets to 13 runs. Hey, the 13-run pools in bars across the country have what they need.
Name Carl Lewis commissioner.
Suspend any manager who pinch hits for a pinch hitter, replacing him for one game with George Will.
Eliminate third base. The turn from second to home certainly would cut down on scoring. Also saves on player salaries.
Put all managers on the Tommy Lasorda SlimFast plan to improve their quickness.
Any ball hitting Fenway's Green Monster on the fly is an out. Sort of like one field being out in streetball.
Require Montreal infielder Mark Grudzielanek and San Francisco pitcher William VanLandingham to abbreviate their names when signing autographs.
No extra innings. Save time while adding strategy as managers play for the tie in late innings.
Put ballpark vendors on in-line skates in the upper deck. That would bring new meaning to that fan-favorite yell, ``Heads Up!''
Call strikes above the belt. Please. Really, why should the strike zone be allowed to go topless?
by CNB