
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, June 21, 1995                   TAG: 9506210078
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

A GET-FIT PLAN FIT FOR DUMBBELLS

Start feeling good about yourself and there's always something out there that'll make you feel pretty bad.

I, for example, have come to pride myself on my gut-busting cross-training program that would kill a man of 40.

I do a dumbbell curling exercise that causes odd pains in the upper part of my body, but that's all part of the hurt that all great athletes suffer gladly, pal.

I was proud of my dumbbell training until I read about a young woman who curls 60 pounds all the time.

Owing to the fact that I curl five pounds all the time, I went into the bathroom and cried for a while.

Of course, I doubt that she has a 20-inch neck - which most people don't want anyway - but my neck size doesn't really matter here. Your average Sumo wrestler has a neck like that.

(I tried curling 20 pounds and pain shot all over my upper body. My upper lip bled slightly and my left ear went limp.)

I also do some time on my NordicTrack Walkfit treadmill - although I think the calorie counter is all fouled up. You have to walk and push those poles for 10 minutes to burn the calories in one of the strips of bacon you had for breakfast.

In one of my rare moments of resting from my athletic and dynamic lifestyle, I picked up a copy of Better Homes and Gardens while watching the O.J. Simpson trial and saw an ad that said Walkfit gives you great legs.

Sure, there was a picture of a young lady in the ad, but right-thinking people would assume that the leg claim would apply to elderly men, too. Don't we have a right to great legs if we invest the sweat?

To the bathroom again, and the mirror showed the same old legs I had in 1990 - except the varicosities are a little bit bigger and bluer.

And I knew I hadn't imagined all that snickering when I wore my knit shorts to the convenience store.

I know I'm never going to be one of those people you see on television who waste away to nothing before your very eyes. I know that, for Pete's sake.

I'm not kidding old yours truly here.

I bought a new blazer recently. I won't tell you the size, but I understand the clothing industry is now faced with a serious shortage of whatever you make blazers out of.

I've taught myself not to care. You have to do that to remain sane.

Still, I think about the biceps of the girl who curls 60 pounds - that is, I wonder how much bigger they are than mine.

by CNB