
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: SUNDAY, June 25, 1995                   TAG: 9506260088
SECTION: EDITORIAL                    PAGE: F-3   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: EDMUND C. ARNOLD
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

THE TACO BELL 4TH

MODEST man that I am, I must point out that I did not originate this solution to reducing the national debt. I have merely carried to the ultimate an idea not yet fully exploited. It was while I was reading about the venerable Kentucky Derby that the solution came to me as the apple came to Newton.

It is no longer the Kentucky Derby; it's the Chrysler Kentucky Derby. As I scanned the sports pages, I have noticed this commercial addition to other once-familiar sporting events. The Tour de France was transmuted into The Tour de Trump and then DuPont. There's now the Virginia Slims tennis tournament, the Winston auto race, the Buick Open golfing fiesta. And of course the grand old bowls like the Rose and the Orange, as well as the roughly 396 others, have each added a brand name dutifully recorded by the media.

Here lies the solution I proffer, as a good citizen should, to my nation and my people. It has the beautiful simplicity of many a great concept: Sell commercial sponsorships of national events.

It could be, for instance, the Taco Bell Fourth of July, the Wal-Mart's Washington's Birthday, Major League Baseball Players Association Thanksgiving.

(Sober consideration emphasizes, however, that we could not franchise Christmas, Hannukah or Ramadan. After all, we must keep church and state separated.)

There are so many national holidays and anniversaries that would find eager purchasers. McDonald's McD-Day comes to mind instantly, as does Preparation H-Hour. We could - like the Olympics do - enroll at a nominal fee "official sponsors" of Mother's Day, Halloween and even St. Swithin's Day.

We can easily expand the concept to buildings: The American Bar Association Supreme Court Building, the Ford Motor Co. Lincoln Memorial, and the New York Edison Light and Electricity Statue of Liberty. Harlequin Romances Publishing Co. just couldn't turn down a chance to have its colophon on the Library of Congress. And if the cost is too high for the typical megacompany to take over an entire building, we could rent the facade of the White House for showing slides and animated commericals. A company wouldn't have to make a tremendous investment; a few million could buy any weekday evening; on weekends and holidays, only a nominal premium need be charged.

We could even franchise historic documents: Boys Town Contract with America; the NOW Declaration of Independence. Or, congressional committees: The Elizabeth Taylor Perfume Foreign Affairs Committee. The Wonderbra Interior Department.

Senators could wear sweatbands with trademarks for hot-air heating companies or Old Jack Daniels. Postal Service carriers could decorate their uniforms with company patches, like race-car drivers do. In fact, they could carry far more such insignia on their jackets for their backsides are constantly exposed, unlike the driver who sits on half his available billboard space. We might even anticipate UPS or Fed Ex sponsoring the whole postal system. (It is only fair to point out, though, that the post office has not handled its potential assets very wisely to date. For instance, it gave absolutely free advertising to millionaire country singers by last month giving away space on a whole series of postage stamps. Shame!)

Speaking of uniforms, we certainly can't overlook the U.S. military. Can't you just see the Somalia Tourist Bureau's logo shining brightly and enticingly on camouflage suits? The Saudi Oil Corp. trademark would be quite effective on armored cars, or United Airlines Friendly Skies on observation helicopters. Aircraft carriers are naturals to carry the message of the Great Circle Cruise Lines. Each branch of the service could have its own sphere of influence; the Marines, for instance, could wear the corporate slogan of the Beirut Chamber of Commerce, the Army could have the Haitian Tourist Bureau, etc.

Think of the millions pouring in from such sponsors. It would melt the national debt like hot fudge melts ice cream. And all without raising taxes or cutting research into topics of infinite importance like the mating habits of Florida manatees or the development of toilet seats that do not cost hundreds of dollars. There would even be a surplus to erect orphanages and jails, one in each town of more than 3,451 population.

There are immediate side benefits, too. These magnificent advertising opportunities would inevitably spur retail shopping and hoist the gross national product. Our children and grandchildren and yet unborn generations will thank us for removing from their shoulders the financial burden of just paying interest on the national debt. They will beatify us for erasing the debt itself.

This inspiration's time has come. Let us seize it with gusto. (Hey! Gusto. Another potential franchise.)

Edmund C. Arnold of Roanoke is a retired newspaper consultant and journalism professor.

by CNB