Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, July 3, 1995                   TAG: 9507030127
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: D4   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

WHO NEEDS THIS KIND OF ADVICE?

For years, Jeanne has driven me nuts by advising Taurus people to get ready for big romance in the evening, when she knows many of us have been married for 43 years and go to bed at 9:30.

Or she tells us to invest wisely when she knows many of us don't have two pennies to rub together.

But she recently had my day figured out right, with a few exceptions we'll discuss as we go along.

She said that on the day in question I could expect higher expenses than I anticipated.

The credit card bill that came that day showed I had forgotten about buying a lot of stuff - say, $296 worth.

I thought about calling her 900 number to congratulate her, but with a credit card bill of that size you don't want to pay 99 cents a minute, and Jeanne may be a chatty person for all I know.

She also said I would make "excellent progress." And, although this is intended to praise Jeanne in general, I must say that I can't report any progress at all that day. In fact, I don't remember ever having had a progressive day.

Good old Jeanne. She warned me against "rushing through an important task." But I did it anyway.

I rushed through screwing the new mailbox to the wooden pad and lost two Phillips heads from the Sears screwdriver set that has great sentimental value because my son gave it to me. He said I couldn't hurt myself with something like that.

I don't know. The damned things just pulled out of the socket and fell into this grass that was about eight inches high. Look, Jeanne. I can't help it if the monsoon season came to dampen the glee of living on Happy Highfields Road and I couldn't cut the grass.

Sure. I could cut the grass in the rain, but the neighbors would think I'm a dangerous maniac. I want them to continue to think of me as a harmless maniac.

And I must say that "excellent progress" in no way describes how I took the car in at 8 a.m. for a routine 24,000-mile check-up and didn't get it back until 2 p.m.

Relative to higher expenses, however, I should mention that the bill was $117. I should also mention the fact that right after this plastic transaction the wheels started making a clicking noise.

So, Jeanne, take it easy on the romance and give me a clue on finding those Phillips heads.