Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, July 19, 1995                   TAG: 9507190081
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST SKIP MAIL CALL

There are several reasons, including the fact that the county sent its first monthly estimated water bill and I've been sleepless since. I hope to get better when I get up the nerve to open the envelope.

I don't know. When your water bill comes every three months, you seem to be happier.

The latest medical bills also came recently - which is not exactly like getting a nice box of cookies from your mama at mail call.

Medical bills. It's not the money as much as trying to understand how you're supposed to pay them, or not pay them, as the case may be.

To me a happier time in our medical history was in the 1930s.

It was during this time that my new bicycle and I were struck on Christmas Day by a 1936 Plymouth coupe.

This vehicle was driven by a guy dressed like a Big Man on Campus.

I was knocked silly, however, and may only have imagined he was wearing a raccoon coat.

The doctor came to the house. He waved a match in front of my eyes to check pupil dilation; said I had a slight concussion; and my old man paid him two bucks and he left.

Those were hard times during the Great Depression, but it was a time before explanation of benefits forms - also know as "EOBs"

There were fewer facial tics among the population then.

Now, getting a medical bill means telephoning accounting offices or Medicare and using fancy language, like "EOB" and "date of service."

This may be showing off, but you do it because you don't want the people you're talking to to think you're intimidated. Which you are.

In truth, these people are pretty good at straightening out aging persons who say "EOB" a lot.

I usually feel better after talking to them and I was happy the next time I went to the mailbox.

Happy, that is, until I found that the book club had decided I really didn't mean it when I marked the box on the return card that said "Do Not Send This Month's Selection."

There was this book by Robert S. McNamara on Vietnam and this tends to make you edgy all over again.

I couldn't find the 800 customer service number to complain profanely. I wrote a stodgy, damning letter instead - which probably means I'll get this book on metaphysics whether I want it or not.

Come by sometime. I'll show you some of my favorite "EOBs" and the bill for the McNamara book.