Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, July 24, 1995                   TAG: 9507240130
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

DUCK! IT'S THE 'LONESOME DOVE' SYNDROME, AGAIN

I did this because it was too hot outside for normal human existence. Forget the egg. We could have broiled the cat on the driveway.

And I know what F. Scott Fitzgerald meant when he wrote: "In the real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning."

There I was in a terrible half-sleep at 3 a.m., at which time I saw cattle plunging into the Nueces River; dust storms; hookers; gunmen and Tommy Lee Jones in a dumb-looking hat.

I went back over the 1,000 or so commercials that were shown during six hours. If there had been that many commercials with the original "Gone With The Wind," I would have been 40, instead of 12, when it was over.

Once, I watched six hours of football on TV and also went into a dreadful half-sleep at 3 a.m., in which I saw certain members of the Washington Redskins plunging about ineffectively, but that was mild compared to the "Lonesome Dove" reaction.

The truth is that there were hours of the movie left when I couldn't take it anymore and went into total rejection of Tommy Lee and his entire cattle drive. Including the Mexican cook.

This was a bad decision. The next day I wanted to ask total strangers if they knew what had happened to the villainous Blue Duck.

I want to make it clear that I'm not worried about myself.

I know there are other people out there who have damaged their brains by watching "Lonesome Dove" and don't know about it.

You watch. Somebody is going to discover the Lonesome-Dove-Dark-Night-of-the-Soul Syndrome soon.

Sufferers will inlcude persons who run screaming from the room when a commercial comes on. They will be dull and listless from being in half-sleeps at 3 a.m.

They won't understand why they got a bad job evaluation after spending an entire morning asking fellow employees about Blue Duck's fate.

This sickness is at this moment eroding the lives of thousands of Americans who find themselves hopelessly reviewing commercials and Blue Duck's conduct.

There should be a warning on shows like that: "Viewer discretion advised: Viewing may cause Dark Nights of the Soul."

I am hoping, however, that nature and time will take care of us eventually and that one of these days we won't give a damn about Blue Duck.