Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, July 31, 1995                   TAG: 9507310129
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

DON'T WORRY, MRS. C., YOU'RE OK WITH ME

And I would hope that you aren't nasty enough to suggest that being the wife of the president of the United States has anything to do with her syndication. The poor woman isn't taking any money for the column, you know.

I would have to say, though, that if your Aunt Zelda got up a pretty good column she might have a little trouble selling it - due mainly to the fact that your late Uncle Orville was a butcher who never held public office.

Listen, I like old Hillary Rodham and wish her the best. I was the first one around the house to notice she has a new hairdo, for Pete's sake.

I'm sure she isn't going to be another Ellen Goodman. You know Ellen. You mention the ruins of old Pompeii to her and she'll knock out 600 words on how Pompeii might still be here today if it hadn't been for all those sexist males.

And I guess that after her experiences in the field of medical care, Mrs. C won't be a threat to your average kindly doctor's column.

I think Ann and Abby and Dave Barry can sleep easy.

Mrs. C says she will write about "the unforgettable faces, heroic life stories, historic events, pressing issues and comedic events that have most defined my time in the White House."

Just once, I wish some of you would try to be nice. I know the White House is a great place for comedic events, but just lay off, OK?

You can see here why your Aunt Zelda would be at a disadvantage. I doubt anybody would be interested in a heroic life story that occurred at 53 Rosebud Lane - such as the time your Uncle Orville paid off the mortgage.

Or that great comedic event on Christmas Day 1977, when Uncle Orville got sloshed on egg nog and fell into the tree.

I don't think we have another Eleanor Roosevelt here, but I say we give the lady a chance.

I think she's going to do all right. I've seen some of her form letters to her fellow Americans and they aren't bad. The spelling and grammar are perfect.

If Barbara Bush - who certainly knew of some comedic events in the White House - can get away with that dog book, Mrs. C. has every right to be a columnist.

And I don't care what you cynics out there say. I'm not going to be crude enough to suggest that she may explain why she wore that funny hat on inauguration day.

Don't worry, Mrs. C., you're OK with me