Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, August 7, 1995                   TAG: 9508070095
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: 
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

BEATING THE HEAT? I PREFER SUFFERING THROUGH IT

I wasn't going to write an advice column about the heat until I was overwhelmed by letters, postcards and phone calls from a large portion of the population of this country.

I have to admit I'm well qualified to do this.

This is mainly because I get hotter than most people and we don't have air-conditioning. We always say, officially, that we come from people who made this country great; stood up and took it on the chin; plowed the land; built the churches, and would have thought air-conditioning was for sissies.

Actually, we suffer awfully and feed the dog ice cubes and our children call regularly to make sure we haven't passed out from heat exhaustion and can't get up.

We are very careful to wear clean underwear at all times in case we do get exhausted and can't get up.

We were clever enough to buy a house with baseboard heat. Such houses, no matter how charming, don't have ductwork and the cost of installing air-conditioning would probably equal the bill for the Panama Canal in 1905 dollars.

Come to think of it, Teddy Roosevelt didn't have air-conditioning as we know it either, but on to our advice.

I find that lying in bed in my underwear with the ceiling fan running hard enough to put the house in orbit is helpful, if a bit slovenly. You could water your clean underwear down with a hose, but this would harm the mattress and springs and be even more slovenly.

It's a good idea to stay away from medical bills of all sorts during the hot weather. Pile them in the coolest part of the house until a thunderstorm ruins all the tomato plants and breaks the heat.

I do any strenuous work - such as carrying outgoing mail to the street and putting up the red flag on the box - in the early morning. Later the sun gets hot enough to cause hallucinations - which is probably the reason I thought Dorothy Lamour was mowing the law across the street in her sarong.

Early morning is a good time to mow the grass. If it's a particularly hot morning, however, you may find yourself falling down behind the lawn mower and not being able to get up.

I know a man who suggests sneaking a little vodka into your iced tea. I know experts say you shouldn't get into the sauce in hot weather.

But this might allow you to sleep away the hottest part of the day.

What you do about a hangover at suppertime is your problem.