Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, August 22, 1995 TAG: 9508230007
SECTION: WELCOME STUDENTS PAGE: WS-12 EDITION: NEW RIVER VALLEY
SOURCE: BRIAN WARREN SPECIAL TO THE ROANOKE TIMES
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
As we finished unloading his stuff - clothes, books, stereos, computers, printers, CD player (Geez, more technology than some third-world countries have) - it became clear it was time for us to leave. Hanging around longer would have been an embarrassment for him. As we said goodbye, I was really surprised. I had to swallow hard to fight the tears. My wife didn't manage to control hers, and I nearly choked trying. I thought I wouldn't react this way. After all, I had been working with college students and parents for nearly 20 years. I thought I knew all the angles.
On the long ride home, my wife and I didn't talk for a while, and I thought about what my reaction meant. What was I feeling uncomfortable about? Nathan was ready for college (not the best student in the world, but he'd make it OK). Gosh, I'm ready, too (some quiet and fewer incoming phone calls will be nice). And for Pete's sake, he's only three hours away. I realized my rush of feelings was about knowing he'd never need me in quite the same way he had. Not in that immediate and concrete way your kids need you when they're little. My feelings were about fear: Had we done all we could to help him be ready? And my feelings were about my own life changing.
It's useful at times like these to ask yourself just what you're uncomfortable about. Are you projecting yourself to when you left home for the first time? Are you remembering some of your own difficult moments?
Remind yourself that this child is not you. Your child's experiences will be different. Your child may be better prepared academically or emotionally then you were. Your son or daughter likely won't have the same needs or difficulties you had.
That doesn't mean your kids won't face problems and adjustments. They will, of course. If you're worried about money, talk about it. If you're afraid your kids don't know about drugs, alcohol, birth control, AIDS, etc., talk to them now. College kids may act like they know everything, but often they are misinformed or have real gaps in their knowledge.
Discussing these areas with your kids could be awkward if you haven't gotten around to it before now, but don't let that stop you. You'll feel much better, and so will they. It will ease the separation. If you're afraid of not being needed, remember you always will be, but that need may take on a different form. If you're afraid you'll be bored or that life won't be as full, set some goals to learn new skills or try new interests. Be patient and give yourself time.
About two weeks before his final exams last spring, Nathan called to tell his mother and me that he would not be home for the summer - he'd be staying at college for a summer class, and he also had found a job. His decision was partially motivated by a nearby girlfriend, I suspected. Once again, I was surprised by my reaction: a mixture of disappointment and relief. Indeed, more relief than it seemed like a "good" father should have.
I never imagined that I would get to a point of being glad my son would not come home for the summer. As much as I like that boy of mine, and as much as I like having him around, I have reached the point where I do not miss his coming in at all hours, eating extra groceries. I don't miss the ear-breaking CDs playing, the forever ringing telephone, the extra laundry, the old conflicts, the new conflicts.
Don't get me wrong. I love him, and I wouldn't do anything to keep him away. But since he decided it was best to stay at his campus this summer and live in an apartment with his friend, I got to the idea a lot quicker than I thought I might.
That's the way it goes.
Letting go hurts. It's hard to do. You just don't know if you can stand it, and then you do.
Just remember that if you really miss them, that's normal. And if, as time goes on, you don't miss them quite as much, that's normal, too.
I think you are going to be pleasantly surprised at how quickly the pain of letting go can turn into the joy of seeing your child grow, learn, and be an adult with you. It's one of life's greatest pleasures.
Oh, when we took our second son off to college last August, I still got choked up when the time came to say goodbye. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Dr. Brian Warren is a clinical psychologist and director of the University Cou1nseling Center and the University Student Health Service at Virginia Tech. But mostly, he's the father of two college students.
by CNB