
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, September 6, 1995                   TAG: 9509070016
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

SO WHO NEEDS A MUSCULAR DOUBLE CHIN, ANYWAY?

Here is the aged semi-retired, semi-hysterical reporter recovering from severe dehydration and multiple blackberry-bush wounds after a pleasant morning of mowing.

I have been hurt by these vines that grow on the edge of the grass across Happy Highfields Road. The grass and the killer bushes grow on the state's right-of-way.

Has the state ever thanked me or sent me a fifth of good bourbon at Christmas? Or offered to help out financially when the Superheterodyne mulching blade has to be sharpened? Or sent any antibiotic salve for my scratches?

I'm sitting on the couch - not exactly expecting a call from a grateful governor - when one of those infomercials comes on.

This couch, by the way, is a new one. Not surprisingly, I'm not allowed to stretch out on this piece of furniture.

I think it has an anti-sleeping alarm that sounds like somebody is stealing your car - a real state-of-the arts couch, sewed by people with names like Mindy and Sandy.

Anyway, this woman in a pink, very tight workout suit was doing something that benefited her thighs and other body parts, and this guy came on and said regular use of this machine can slow up the aging process.

The woman in pink seemed to be in her late 20s and she did have good thighs.

I don't know if the government regulates commercials that make such claims or not.

I intend, however, to file a brief with the proper federal agency, alleging that I, and others similarly situated as far as being over the hill are concerned, should not be subjected to such claims.

You have to realize that there are doddering people out there who will think that iron-pumping, abs-crunching exercise can stop the old skin on your arms from aging, thus making it look like you're wearing a loose-fitting , flesh-colored leather shirt.

Pumping iron isn't going to help them get rid of all their chins. What it will do is give them chins with muscles - which makes them very hard to shave.

Many people will do anything to stay young, despite the fact that their legs - blackberry-bush wounds aside - look like topographical maps of the Blue Ridge foothills.

You may be younger and tend to giggle about this. Wait until UPS brings this big box to your Aunt Zelda's house and the next time you go over for supper, she asks if you've noticed that her abs are firmer.

by CNB