Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, September 25, 1995                   TAG: 9509250075
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

GETTIN' FAT IN THE FACE OF DOOM

As a calamity howler of long standing, I've always said that Doom is just around the corner - although I don't want to appear smug about this.

Despite my reputation for hysteria in such matters, however, I can tell you that I'm being cool now that my predictions are getting noticed in high places.

And I can say that the drug I take for my sore foot is still working and I got some great stuff to rub into my arm where something went scrench! when I was lifting a bag of sand.

The primary reason I haven't thrown myself in front of a beer truck on Brambleton Avenue, though, is that this seems to be a classic bad news/good news situation.

What I'm saying here is that even if we do return to the days of the plague and think we're living in a couple of chapters of "Forever Amber," we can at least start eating decent again.

The food industry will begin putting fat back into its products because this will be demanded by a doomed people who want to have a glass of real milk again before some dumb microbe knocks them off.

Potato chips that leave wonderful grease stains on paper napkins will be popular again. Not to mention eggs over light, real butter, bacon, sausage, everything deep-fried.

There will be traffic jams at fast-food places and the air will be fragrant with the smell of frying food.

Nobody will worry about being fat because they know that one bite from this drug-resistant germ and you won't care what your scale says because you're soon going to be on the Other Side where waistlines don't matter much.

Many people will send their doctors nasty notes saying they've gained 25 pounds since the last physical and have been drinking all the booze they want and have started smoking again.

You won't care about your body because there won't be time enough to get cozy with the office bombshell - who is beginning to look like an obese Lana Turner anyway.

People who have made a fortune with dieting programs will go broke because buxom young ladies will no longer care about getting into a size 6 again.

The bacteria may get us, pal, but we're going to die relatively happy.

Yes, I'll have once of those six-inch tall burgers Old Dave makes.

And double up on the fries, OK?