Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, October 17, 1995 TAG: 9510170036
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: BETH MACY
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
A childbirth educator and lactation consultant for nearly 20 years, she has mothered many a nervous young mother, consoled hundreds of expectant couples and generally filled in where long-distance extended families leave off.
``There are some mothers out there with absolutely no one to talk to,'' she says. ``My neighbor and I, we used to sit together and nurse our babies, and now they're teen-agers. We still sit together and talk about the kids - only now we roll our eyes!''
Motherhood can be a lonely business. Anyone who's ever spent the day hauling a colicky baby around the house in a Snugli - because that's the only place he'll sleep - knows the downright depression and isolation that sometimes come with the job.
Lois Fay felt it herself when, seven months into her first pregnancy, her husband was transferred from Vienna to Roanoke, and she found herself looking for a new doctor - and a new set of friends. Then she joined Honer's childbirth class, a group of seven couples with a wide range of work, education and financial backgrounds.
On paper, these mothers are about as diverse as you can get - some work full-time, some part-time, some not at all. Their ages range from 25 to 40.
They are waitresses, laundry technicians, free-lance writers and veterinarians. They live in Roanoke, Fincastle, Rocky Mount and Troutville.
For the past two years, they've met for monthly dinners to celebrate and complain, to share stories and suggestions. They've used the one thing they have in common - motherhood - to cast aside their differences and create their own circle of support.
``A generation ago your family helped you, but now since most of us don't live near our families, we've been that kind of family for each other,'' Fay says.
``I mean, there was an ice storm one night and all but one of us came. I guess we were desperate.''
Through their Moms Night Out dinners and frequent phone calls, they've counseled each other on ear infections and diaper rashes, time-outs and temper tantrums. They've shared tips on where to get invaluable supplies (Playskool's dripless sippy cup: Baby Superstore) and must-have toys (The Exer-saucer: Toys R Us).
They've encouraged each other to keep breast feeding, even when their mothers-in-law were hell bent on introducing the bottle.
``After a year, people would go, `You're still nursing that child?' '' says Lisa Farthing. ``It helped so much knowing that other moms in the group were still doing it, too.''
Farthing, the veterinarian, is a few weeks shy of having her second baby. She outfits herself in maternity clothes on loan from other members of the group. ``Support is the biggest thing,'' she says.
``When you get frustrated and you think your kid's being so horrible, and then you hear, `Oh yeah, my kid is doing the same exact thing,' it's a tremendous help.''
There are differences of opinion, too - like the perennial squirmy issue of whether Mom should work or stay at home. These women work hard not to let their differences divide.
Staying at home ``is right for me and Caitlin,'' Fay says. ``But it doesn't mean what Lisa's doing by working is wrong.''
They've also disagreed over levels of discipline: How dirty should you let your kid get? Is time-out better than spanking? And when is the appropriate time to introduce potty training?
``But no one says, `You're doing it wrong,' '' Farthing explains. ``We talk about what we do and present it and leave it at that.''
Honer has been pleased and amazed by her longest-running Lamaze class. ``They're like a neighborhood for each other, only they don't live in the same neighborhood,'' she says.
She wishes more mothers would form similar networks - whether it be over the telephone, or watching their toddlers together at the park, or commiserating about their teen-agers over the backyard fence.
``No one should ever have to sit around alone wishing they hadn't had their kids,'' she adds. ``Because if we're really honest, we all have had those kinds of days.
``But it's this kind of talking and connecting that can make all the difference.''
Beth Macy's column runs in Tuesday and Thursday Extra. Her
number is 981-3435.
by CNB