Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, October 18, 1995                   TAG: 9510180025
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

A LONG-TERM ANTI-POLL DEFENSE

I know I'm always forgetting what Winston Churchill said about democracy, but I support it as the best form of government.

I do wish, however, that there was some way to have a democracy without election campaigns.

The other Sunday, for example, my hopes raised by what had happened the previous Sunday to the Dallas Cowboys, I was running around in little circles as the Washington Redskins appeared ready to tie the Philadelphia Eagles in the final seconds of the game.

I will say here that I'm trying very hard to support the Washington Redskins and hope someone will be able to show them how to tackle one of these days - this being a very important part of the game of football.

Anyway, the phone rang at this critical point in the game - which the Skins lost in overtime - and it was this political pollsterperson.

This was an unusual pollsterperson, mainly due to the fact that I couldn't understand a word she said.

The way to handle a situation like this is not to say things like:

"I'm sorry, I can't understand a word you're saying. You say that somebody named Kamoz Kaboodle is running for something? I don't know the guy and thus wouldn't vote for him if the election were today. Listen. You sure you ain't selling jelly or carpet?"

Or:

"Kamoz Kaboodle, eh? Wasn't he the guy involved in that money laundering scheme. Or was that his wife? No. She was the one involved in the sex scandal, huh? Old Kamoz is running against Chavez Miasma, right? I know. Don't tell me. You're selling windows."

That kind of silly behavior might give you a good feeling in your smart-mouth genes, but this is a temporary anti-poll defense. We need a long-term solution here if we are to have any peace.

What you do is merely answer yes or no at random, whether you understand the questions or not. You can giggle a little if you want to.

If enough of us did that, we'd skew enough to kill the poll as a political tool and we could then be expect to be safe in our homes against the likes of Kamoz Kaboodle and Chavez Miasma.

I don't know whether Kamoz and Chavez are liberal or conservative, but I want them to know that I don't want any militia quartered in my home or anybody calling me during football games.