
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: FRIDAY, November 3, 1995                   TAG: 9511030032
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: NANCY GLEINER
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Short

HEARTBREAK HIT PARADE

It's hard to figure out what popular songs like ``Whiter Shade of Pale,'' ``Purple Haze'' or ``Greensleeves'' are about just from the titles. But some country-western music doesn't leave a lot of room for such guesswork.

Many times, you can read the title and immediately know the mood of the song that will bring a tear to your achin' heart or remind you of the lost love who ran over your dog while stealing your pickup truck to visit your pappy in jail - aptly titled, ``She Broke My Heart, Tore Up My Dog, Stole My Truck and Saw My Folsom Daddy.''

Okay, so I made that one up. The following titles are real, though, and have made a best of the worst list. You can pretty much get their drift.

``Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goalposts of Life''

``Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares''

``I Flushed You From the Toilets of My Heart''

``Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth `Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye''

``I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling''

``If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low''

``Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure''

``I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win''

``I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy''

``I Gave Her the Ring and She Gave Me the Finger''

``I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!''

And my personal winner for best-of-the-worst for telling it like it is: ``If I Can't Be Number One, Then Number Two On You.''

by CNB