Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, November 8, 1995                   TAG: 9511080004
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

HOME ALONE ON VACATION IS A REAL TRIP

No more two-finger punching of computer keyboards for me. No more worrying about how many megahertzes, or something, my machine has.

The Journal had a story recently that said at-home vacations are becoming more popular.

There was this one woman who spent her entire vacation watching movies in her apartment. Now that's the kind of woman you want on a joint checking account.

If you've ever sedated three kids with motion-sickness pills and steered a station wagon with a tendency to overheat for seven hours to the beach, you know what a rip of a time a home vacation can be.

There's no sand in the bed and your credit card stays in your wallet and you don't crowd your limit at places with names like the Pink Pirate's Gift Shoppe or Capt. Ahab's Seafood Harbor.

I'll admit right now that I'm asking for risk capital to set up Bennie's Guaranteed Home Vacations. You'll never forgive yourself if you pass up this opportunity, pal.

Listen. I got the credentials.

I haven't been on a real vacation since 1985. The past two years, everybody left me behind. While they took the ferry to Ocracoke and got windburn, I watched the American Movie Channel and gave the dog her medication. It was fun. The dog liked it, too.

I can really help you have a dandy of a vacation at home by yourself.

I'll advise you on getting fast-food biscuits every morning; how to lay in a supply of 600-calories-a-cup canned beef stew for lunch, and on going back to the fast food place for a dinner burger that weighs as much as the cat.

I'll show you how to wear the same T-shirt for three days and not feel the least bit of shame or guilt about the egg stains on it. If you're of the female persuasion, I'll send the laundry out and you can have carefree days of eating bon-bons and reading The Ladies Home Journal.

You'll be able to afford all that delicious food and sending the laundry out because you'll be spending far less money that those jokers on the Ocracoke ferry.

And after all of the kinfolk come home, grumpy and sand-bitten, I'll show you how to make 'em feel guilty about leaving you behind.

To feel better about themselves, they'll give you money - which you can use to buy burgers and Playboy videos the next time you vacation at home.