ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1995, Roanoke Times
DATE: Tuesday, December 12, 1995 TAG: 9512120024
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Beth Macy
SOURCE: BETH MACY
I haven't seen ``Home for the Holidays,'' the Jodie Foster flick that chronicles the funk of dysfunctional families.
I don't need to. Been there, done that, and if I do it again I'll EXPLODE.
It's two days after Thanksgiving. I have a sinus infection, and I'm depressed. I have my visiting brother-in-law's put-downs running a recording loop in my head. I need ...
To spend an hour at Woolworth's, alone. I need to spend $40 on holiday tins, towels and tinsel - and leave the store humming the Muzak version of ``The Nutcracker Suite.''
I need to chat with my favorite Woolworth's cashier, who gets genuinely tickled when she scans an item - and finds it unexpectedly on sale.
``Oooh, that's too high,'' she comments on the 1996 weekly appointment calendar I buy for work. It's $7.99.
``It's OK, I get reimbursed.''
We smile, both of us, relieved.
I'm sitting behind the judging table at the Christmas parade in Fincastle, the town so small that the floats go by not once but twice.
There are the requisite bands, marching stoically with their horns and chins raised. There is the requisite Future Farmers of America float - and its requisite lone female member.
There are antique fire trucks, cars and tractors galore. And my personal favorite: The Ragone Universal Kempo Karate School float, which features a plywood Christmas tree and a plywood karate dude.
The whole thing comes to life when a chorus of karate-dudes-in-training shriek ``YAAAAAH!'' at the top of their lungs - and the pulley-powered black belt karate dude karate-chops the Christmas tree in half. It is, truly, a sight.
There is unabashed bribing of the judges, as evidenced by the father of one Fincastle Pre-Schooler, who hands us complimentary Pogs, and a mother who hollers from behind her videocamera: ``Hey judges, here comes the Fincastle Pre-School! Aren't they CUTE?!''
There are more people in the Fincastle parade than live in Fincastle. And there are even more people there watching it.
How wonderful to see folks coming together outside of the mall.
If Mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy.
Truer words have never been cross-stitched.
And so it went, the annual when-to-purchase-the-Christmas-tree debate, with my husband weighing in with ``Let's wait another week,'' and me insisting on ``Right NOWWWW!''
The tie-breaker came when our neighbor, Betsy, persuaded her husband, Gerry, that all things cross-stitched are wise and true - and the annual two-family tree-trek to Larsen Tree Farm (motto: ``Have a Merry Leather Christmas'') in Riner commenced as planned.
This year, the crisis came early. It did not come with the placement of the 5-inch tree trunk into the 4-inch tree stand. It did not present itself when the favorite Ella Fitzgerald Christmas CD turned up with a scratch.
It came when two adult males had to figure out how to hoist two five-foot-wide Fraser firs atop a five-foot-wide van without being laughed off the face of the tree farm by their wives and children.
The answer: by employing one bungee cord, 83 feet of rope and TWO HOURS of engineering prowess, followed by 60 ounces of ale at the Pine Tavern Restaurant in Floyd.
And no, the trees didn't blow off the van on the way down Bent Mountain. Although one male was overheard worrying: ``I wish we'd brought along some duct tape.''
If these scenes from the holidays haven't inspired you, try this little trick:
Take an old cook pot. Cut up the rind of one orange and one lemon, and throw it into the pot. Add a cinnamon stick, eight whole cloves and 2 cups of water, and bring to a boil, then simmer.
Whenever you need to get the real-life ``Home for the Holidays'' out of your head, re-light the old cook pot, replenishing with water as needed. Inhale deeply, be glad you're not seeing your brother-in-law at Christmas, and let your sniffer be your guide.
(Do not burn the house down by forgetting to turn off the stove when you leave.)
Or, go to Woolworth's and wander. Splurge on something for yourself that's ``too high'' - just for the fun of it.
LENGTH: Medium: 85 lines ILLUSTRATION: GRAPHIC: Stinson. color.by CNB