ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1995, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, December 13, 1995 TAG: 9512130004
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
It was 6 a.m. and I was staring at the instant mashed potato mix that had
spilled over the stove and most of the working surfaces in the kitchen.
If you know this stuff at all you know (a) it's tasteless and (b) that in
flake form it's very hard to clean up using ordinary methods.
In this case, I used the vacuum cleaner.
It's not very sanitary to vacuum the stove and kitchen counter and if you married a registered nurse, be careful she doesn't see you doing this.
You people don't deserve it, but you have just read, for the first time in the history of the printed word, one of my tips for dealing with catastrophes in the kitchen. And there are a lot of them.
There are times when Mr. Coffee decides to be nasty.
I don't know what evil force gets into these things, but there will be at least one morning in every American's life when the hot coffee doesn't go into the pot but all over the counter, into the cabinet drawers and onto the floor.
The first time this happened to me, my first thought was to put the thing out of its misery with my nine-pound sledgehammer. But I realized this would have added to the cleanup.
Instead, I faked sharp pains in both my arms and legs, dizziness and difficulty breathing. Nobody expects a person with symptoms like that to clean up a mess.
Some of us drop the coffee cannister on the counter while we are loading Mr. Coffee's stupid little paper cup. Spilled dry coffee rates right up there with mashed potato flakes as a bad thing to happen.
I know a man who ran away to Bora Bora after such an accident.
Most of us can't afford to do that, so we suck up the coffee with the faithful vacuum cleaner. In private, remember.
We have all looked on in horror as eggs rolled off the counter and made a vulgar mess on the floor. Do not, under any circumstances, try to vacuum this up. You'll probably electrocute yourself.
No matter what they show you on television, a superheterodyne mop that would absorb Smith Mountain Lake won't do the job either.
You need a faithful dog to lick it up. It's safe. Even my dog Millie, who gulps down almost anything, lets the shells alone. Won't touch coffee in any form, though
These are just a few tips. I have a lot more. Call if you need help.
Just don't ask me why I was fooling around with phony mashed potatoes at that hour of the day.
LENGTH: Medium: 52 linesby CNB