ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1995, Roanoke Times
DATE: Friday, December 15, 1995 TAG: 9512150046
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: RITA KEMPLEY THE WASHINGTON POST
Like Prissy in ``Gone With the Wind,'' men don't know nothin' about birthin' babies. But that doesn't stop them from making movies on the subject - most often from their own point of view. That's why movie moms regularly experience the thrill of giving life off-screen, while on-camera, anxious daddies-in-waiting pace, smoke and wring their hands.
In any other situation, a director worth his salt follows the cinematic action. But heads exploding are one thing; heads emerging are quite another. Even in ``The Scarlet Letter,'' with Demi Moore grunting for an Oscar, we made a discreet exit from the bloody birthing scene to rendezvous with the worried Dimmesdale outside.
The latest example of this phenomenon is ``Father of the Bride, Part II,'' inspired by 1951's ``Father's Little Dividend.'' Here, George Banks (Steve Martin), soon to become a grandfather, discovers that like his beloved daughter, his wife, Nina (Diane Keaton), has a bun in her oven.
Do filmmakers Charles Shyer and Nancy Meyers concern themselves with the middle-aged Nina's misgivings? Do they dramatize the risks of her emergency C-section? Don't be silly. They are far too preoccupied with George, who is mistaken for a patient in need of a prostate exam.
Happily, we don't actually witness this procedure either, and the story resumes as both women are wheeled off to the delivery room. We join George twitching in the corridor. The scene, as anticlimactic as any in cinematic history, ends with a tender shot of the proud paterfamilias, bearing two bundles of joy - one in each arm.
``It just doesn't get any better than this,'' observes George, who has now come to terms with his fears of fatherhood in his middle years. He also seems to have resolved, on a subconscious level anyway, his Oedipal attraction to his daughter. It is, of course, all very PG.
In terms of sophistication, neo-natal comedies hark back to the coy sex comedies that starred Rock Hudson and Doris Day. In ``Nine Months,'' writer-director Chris Columbus fed us the same thin gruel. Herein Samuel (Hugh Grant), an acquisitive yuppie in terminal adolescence, freaks when he learns that his fiancee (Julianne Moore) is in the family way. He urges her to consider an abortion, but she decides to leave him and keep her baby.
Does the story follow the progression of her pregnancy? Of course not. Given a choice between his swollen ego and her swollen ankles, Columbus does the manly thing. Then the reluctant father sees the baby's sonogram, discovers that it's male, and suddenly he's got more family values than Patrick Buchanan's got nose hairs.
But what are a woman's birth pangs compared with the re-education of the insensitive American male? Better to compare a bassinet with a bathtub. The agonies of labor are transitory, but Venus envy lasts forever. In ``Father of the Bride, Part II,'' George acts out his jealousy by obsessing on his and Nina's age.
``Our kid'll probably be more comfortable calling us Grandma and Grandpa,'' he grouses. ``After all, we will be in our 50s when he's in preschool, in our 70s when he graduates college. . . . Now, going to the movies, that'll at least be economical: ``One child, two seniors.' ''
To her credit, Nina is crushed by his insensitivity. For that matter, she may be the only screen mom ever to chide her partner in procreation for his selfishness. ``I really appreciate your asking me how I feel about this, since I am the one having the baby,'' she snaps. George is chastened, but Nina walks out on him anyway. Of course, they must make up before her water breaks, lest he miss the wacky ride to the hospital. Come to think of it, these aren't such great date movies, are they?
The ensuing high jinks are supposed to be double the fun, a tactic pioneered by sexist pig Blake Edwards in 1984's ``Micki & Maude.'' In that one, the wee Dudley Moore played a bigamist whose wives (Ann Reinking and Amy Irving) wound up in the maternity ward at the same time. And then there's ``Nine Months,'' in which Julianne Moore and girlfriend (Joan Cusack) must share the delivery room and play second fiddle to their Russian OB-GYN (Robin Williams), who is given to malapropisms like ``Let's have a look at your Volvo.''
Women deliver babies; men deliver lines. If men could give birth, it would be an Olympic sport by now. And with the progression of medical science, as we saw in last year's ``Junior,'' that's not so farfetched anymore.
``Junior,'' apparently not altogether a biological crock, stars a preggers Arnold Schwarzenegger, artificially inseminated with the help of fertility expert Danny DeVito. It was not a big hit, which is a pity because Schwarzenegger has never looked more radiant.
The trend applies even in animal husbandry. Take ``Beethoven's 2nd'' (1993), in which the hero woos, wins and impregnates the lovely Missy. Of course it's all about him and whether Beethoven Jr. will come between him and his human family. Missy might as well have been an egg donor.
This brings us back to ``Junior'' (that was Emma Thompson's egg they used). Directed by Ivan Reitman, it is conceivably the perfect birthing movie. It basically eliminates women altogether, allowing the hero to experience not only strange cravings, edema and mood swings, but a joyous new respect for life.
Hasta la vista, baby.
LENGTH: Medium: 96 lines ILLUSTRATION: PHOTO: In ``Father of the Bride, Part II,'' Steve Martin getsby CNBto be both grandpa
and daddy. color.