ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1995, Roanoke Times
DATE: Monday, December 18, 1995 TAG: 9512180034
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
We are now into the furnace-listening season, which doesn't apply to normal people, by the way.
These lucky people don't give a good BTU what their furnaces do. They're masters of their own destinies. They get a lot more sleep than your average furnace listener and they make really big money because they're all booted up when they come to the office.
Their eyes are not baggy. Most female non-furnace listeners have bodies like Kim Basinger. The male versions look like Tom Cruise.
An office bombshell can tell a furnace watcher from a mile off and she knows they're no fun. Bombshells prefer men who seize the day and don't lie awake listening to ther furnaces.
Your average furnace listener is pale and nervous. He or she hasn't slept since Halloween. They eat compulsively because of stress and are too porked up to get into the L.L. Bean parkas their Aunt Zeldas gave them for Christmas a year ago.
They also worry about the Christmas tree catching fire.
I know. I'm a furnace listener with the credentials to talk about this stuff.
I once lived in a house with an oil furnace that blew out every time the wind got up.
I talked to the best furnace experts in the world. They just laughed.
The furnace blew out in a blizzard back in 1966 when I wasn't listening and I've felt guilty ever since - although nobody froze to death. Except the goldfish.
Later, I had a hotwater furnace that bled to death out of its own zone valves when I wasn't listening. It did this in weather that would have made Scott turn back on his way to the pole.
You don't forget seeing a furnace bleed to death out of its own zone valves.
The other night - crushed by the news that Michael Jackson wasn't going to appear live on HBO - I did my first serious furnace listening of the season.
I don't want to brag, but this was world-class furnace listening.
First, I listened to the wind. The furnace came on. It went off. When it fired again, I worried about how long it was staying on. When it went off, I worried about it coming on again.
That's the way to do it, pal. Nobody does it better. That'll put bags under your eyes in no time.
And you do interesting things after a night like that.
Like spraying the room deodorant under your arms or throwing your Redskin knee socks into the commode instead of the clothes hamper.
LENGTH: Medium: 54 linesby CNB