ROANOKE TIMES 
                      Copyright (c) 1995, Roanoke Times

DATE: Wednesday, December 20, 1995           TAG: 9512200063
SECTION: VIRGINIA                 PAGE: B-5  EDITION: METRO 
DATELINE: CHICAGO
SOURCE: Associated Press 

3 MONARCHISTS FROM PACIFIC RIM TRY TO BRIBE CHILD

Watch what you say about Rudolph this Christmas. In this politically correct age, he's the ``nasally empowered'' reindeer.

And avoid the word ``ghost,'' as in ``Ghost of Christmas Past.''

It's ``spiritual facilitator,'' says James Finn Garner, whose best-selling ``Politically Correct Holidays'' has sold more than 1 million copies since hitting the stores in October.

The 99-page book is a satirical 1990s version of ``Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer'' and other well-loved Christmas tales.

Garner takes aim at what he considers political correctness run amok.

``I think we're blinded sometimes at our attempt to be totally equitable,'' he said in an interview Monday.

In his book, Rudolph is not the Santa sycophant of the well-known children's jingle. Instead, he considers himself ``an angry young reindeer'' whose shining nose will help him overthrow Santa's oppressive tyranny.

When Santa asks, ``Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?'' Rudolph responds, ``No. Not without concessions.'' Like no work on holidays.

Frosty the Snowman is reinvented as Frosty the Persun of Snow, who chides the boy and girl who made him for arguing over his gender without asking his preference first.

The children and their creation then plan a march on Washington to protest ozone depletion threatening to cause the untimely demise of you-know-who.

``'Twas the Night Before Christmas'' becomes ``'Twas the Night Before Solstice,'' with children nestled in their beds, dreaming of lentils and warm whole-grain bread instead of sugar plums.

And in the newfangled ``A Christmas Carol,'' Tiny Tim is a ``vertically challenged pre-adult'' named ``Diminutive Timon.'' He raises his glass and says, ``May a higher entity (if there is such a thing) bless us, everyone.''

Garner, 35, is the author of two other best sellers, ``Politically Correct Bedtime Stories'' and ``Once Upon a More Enlightened Time.''

LENGTH: Short :   46 lines
ILLUSTRATION: PHOTO:  AP. Author James Finn Garner reads a politically correct
          tale to his 9-month-old son, Liam.