ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1995, Roanoke Times
DATE: Saturday, December 23, 1995 TAG: 9512270048
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: A-11 EDITION: METRO
NOT WANTING to give offense, with the holiday approaching and all, we offer here a revised Christmas song.
It's revised because the original, like most Christmas songs, was written before people became sensitive to the feelings of various oppressed groups.
It's a song because we were hoping to leave work early to be with our families. We didn't write the thing.
This politically corrected hymn was shared, in a season of sharing, on an Internet home page and a news-wire file offered by a group calling itself "BONG," for Burned Out Newscreatures Guild.
Mocking political correctness is too easy, and getting kind of old, we'll admit. But political correctness is getting old, too, and shows no signs of disappearing up the chimney.
So here's the revision of "The Twelve Days of Christmas," forwarded to BONG by one Eric Gleske of Madbury, N.H.:
``On the twelfth day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-abuse-survivor gave to me,
``TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.
``ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note . . . )
``TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
``NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
``EIGHT economically disadvantaged but still virginal Gyno-Americans stealing milk products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
``SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
``SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,
``FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
``FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
``THREE deconstructionist poets,
``TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,
``AND A Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.''
Again, we didn't write this, so don't blame us.
Happy holidays.
LENGTH: Short : 48 linesby CNB