ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1995, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, December 27, 1995 TAG: 9512270040
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
With almost no apologies to Anne Rice, the writer who invented a bunch of vampires Bela Lugosi would have run out of town, I now call for a return to those bloodsuckers we once knew and loved.
My motto is: "Where's Bram Stoker Now That We Need Him?"
Forget about class with these Rice-styled vampires. They don't know the meaning of the word. They never even say "Good Evening."
Recently, a little behind normal people, to be sure, I watched "Interview with the Vampire," and I can tell you these people are smash-mouth neck biters.
Bitings are accompanied by crunchy/screechy sounds and bloody teeth and chins. You never saw Bela like that. He was a fastidious kind of neck biter.
These fiends think nothing of breaking an aging courtesan's neck - with the proper sound effects, of course.
These freaks go around sucking dead rats like oranges when they're having a little trouble locating a human hit.
None of the vampires in this movie is afraid of garlic or crucifixes. They see themselves in mirrors and joke about the cure for vampirism we have all treasured - a sudden stake through the heart.
Not being able to do the stake bit takes all the fun out of it. I'm happy to say, however, that direct sunlight does play hell with them.
This movie has a female juvenile-delinquent vampire. Terrible taste. Keeps corpses in her room. Drinks too much blood for a person her age.
I was not really unhappy when the sunlight finished that one off.
She was right for this movie, though. There are creeks of blood and a collection of flaming coffins that would take up the playing field at Victory Stadium. Yeah. A lot of vampires nonessential to the plot burned right up.
Bela would have breached his contract if that had been in any of his scripts.
I would also like to mention here that the vampire played by Brad Pitt needed a haircut real bad. Of course, I guess Knute Rockne would need a haircut if Brad were portraying him.
Bela, on the other hand, had his hair all slicked back - as do all decent vampires.
Really, you've got to wonder what the world is coming to when a law-abiding person can't depend on knocking off a vampire with the old stake through the heart.
There's nothing we can do, I guess. Except maybe call Brad Pitt and tell him to get a haircut in case he ever does play Knute Rockne. Or Ronald Reagan.
LENGTH: Medium: 53 linesby CNB