ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1995, Roanoke Times
DATE: Saturday, December 30, 1995 TAG: 9601020014
SECTION: RELIGION PAGE: C-4 EDITION: METRO
TYPE: COMMENTARY
SOURCE: TOM SCHAEFER KNIGHT-RIDDER/TRIBUNE
Call it the Year of the Clergy. It seems that 1995 had its share of ministers in the news:
Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan called for a Million Man March on Washington so participants could repent and rededicate themselves to higher standards of behavior. Regardless of who did the counting, the turnout was impressive.
Franklin Graham was chosen to succeed his father, the Rev. Billy Graham, as head of the multi-million dollar Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. He promises to bring a new baby boomer style of leadership to the organization.
And bringing up the rear was televangelist Robert Tilton, who's back on the air, though in only seven markets, having lost his TV airtime for allegedly dumping unread prayer requests after taking the cash inside the envelopes. Unrepentant, Tilton continues to promote his gospel of health, wealth and success with a bag of new tricks. For a ``seed gift'' (translation: money), you, too, can have ``Jacob's faith stones'' to sleep on or ``Elijah's manna cake of faith'' to eat. There's also a prayer handkerchief called ``Gideon's fleece,'' though each of the above, it seems to me, already has fleece written all over it.
Obviously, the achievements of those three vary in commendability. But there were other religious folks in 1995 who, by their words and deeds, deserve special recognition. So for the seventh consecutive year, I present my Religious Razzberry Awards to those whose actions in the world of religion go above and beyond the call of God or any other legitimate source. As always, please withhold your response until everyone has been recognized.
n``'Til Death Us Do Part ... And Please Leave the Gas On'' Award to California millionaire Kurt Simon, who this year gave his annual Sovereign Award and $20,000 to Jack Kevorkian (``Dr. Death'').
Simon, 83, praises Kevorkian best known for helping the terminally ill (at least we think they are) commit suicide for his ``exceptional work in pursuit of individual freedoms and commitment to the belief that individuals can control their own destiny.'' Well, at least until they fade to black.
n``Elvis Saves at the Church of Blue Suede Shoes'' Award to the Elvis-is-God movement. Groups in Great Britain, Germany, France, Japan, the Philippines and the United States are rockin' and rollin' like spirit-filled worshipers at a revival as they worship the King - no, the one with sideburns.
``I know it sounds strange, this whole Elvis thing,'' said Mort Farndu, pastor of the First Presley-terian Church in Denver. ``But there are those who sincerely feel that Elvis is God. Hey, Elvis says, `Don't Be Cruel,' so who am I to judge?''
What can I say? I'm all shook up and getting queasier and queasier.
n``Ask and Ye Shall Receive Up to 20 Years in The Pen'' Award to the Rev. David Brace of Wichita, Kan., who was charged with laundering money for federal undercover agents posing as members of a Colombian drug cartel. With everything on videotape, did the Rev. confess that he broke the law? Call him stupid, call him naive, call him a wannabe Jim Bakker, just don't call him guilty.
``... the Bible says that the wealth of the wicked is laid up for the just,'' Brace said in his defense.
I can quote Bible passages, too:
``Bread gained by deceit is sweet to a man, but afterward his mouth will be full of gravel'' (Proverbs 20:17).
n``Confidential to Foot in Mouth: Bite and Chew'' Award to Ann Landers. Let's award this one in a style befitting her:
Dear noted advice columnist: Telling a teen-ager she's stupid when her boyfriend wants her to ``prove her love'' is just fine. Referring to a deadbeat dad as a jerk because he won't pay child support is entirely appropriate. But calling the pope ``a polack'' was how can I say it? Dumb. Forget the self-imposed 40 lashes with a wet noodle, dearie. The confessional booth is open every day to all regardless of ethnic origin.
n``Hey, AMEN, Already!'' Award to two women who disrupted Mass at two Catholic churches in Pennsylvania by praying so loudly that they drowned out the priest and the choir and even frightened children. Despite a court order banning the so-called ``rosary ladies'' from the churches, the two continued to rattle the rafters with their high-decibel petitions.
I know the Bible says to ``pray without ceasing,'' but please, ladies, pianissimo, pianissimo!
n``Richard Simmons Did NOT Die For Your Calories'' Award to Gwen Shamblin, founder and director of the Weigh Down Workshop Church Ministries program, who says the key to weight loss is to replace food with God. ``We focus on spiritually clogged arteries,'' Shamblin said in an interview in Aspire magazine. ``If we behold or adore food, we will become like a refrigerator. If we behold and adore Christ, we will become like Christ.''
Whatever happened to the message ``God don't make junk''? Or are only the slim loved by God?
n``Is it Hasenpfeffer or Just a Hare-Brained Idea?'' Award to the New Yorker magazine for its pre-Easter cover of an Easter bunny dressed as a taxpayer, with arms outstretched and pockets empty, nailed to an IRS 1040 form.
When some angry folks contacted the weekly magazine, protesting its trivialization of a sacred image, the editors defended the drawing, calling it ``a pointed allegory about faith, fantasy and the politics of the moment.''
Obviously, the pointed message that such a symbol conveys and its importance to believers was completely lost on them. But, hey, we're hip ... hope that's the last one of those.
That completes the list of this year's award winners. Now to each of you who distort the true meaning of religion - ``To do justice and to love kindness and to walk humbly with your God'' (Micah 6:8) - please stand to accept your awards:
THWPPPT!
Tom Schaefer writes about religion and ethics for the Wichita (Kan.) Eagle.
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