ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Monday, January 15, 1996 TAG: 9601160006
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
Having been driven nuts by a recent spell of domestic bad luck and years of commericals in which objects such as gasoline pumps, toothbrushes and bathtubs talk, I now believe our appliances are after us.
Before you call the authorities, think about this:
In the space of one week the washing machine, dryer and hot water heater all got sick.
The washing machine made high-pitched screeching noises that scared the cat. And me.
The dryer didn't dry and in the middle of this huge snowstorm the hot water heater kept opening its safety valve.
For some reason, a hot water heater that does that makes me very nervous and I tend to think of it as a missile about to launch itself - and me - into orbit.
All of these things happened at a bad time - which is to say that Happy Highfields Road looked and felt a lot like Finland.
Two feet of snow in the road made it impossible to get a repair person in - unless we could've found one who parachutes to jobs , in which case I wouldn't like to see the bill.
I've thought about it. The washing machine started it.
I think it nudged the dryer and said: "Hey, pally. What's say we act up a little. With the snowstorm in the forecast? It'll drive the old guy batty.
"I'll do this screeching noise and screw up the spin cycle. When his sweat pants come out too wet, you just damp-dry 'em. He'll go nuts. You know how he is about his sweat pants."
The dryer agrees and pretty soon they're under-spinning and under-drying and there are damp clothes hanging everywhere.
Hot water heaters have less fun than most appliances and you can't blame it for wanting in on a caper like this.
"Hey, you guys," the heater said, "how about I blow a thermostat and start shooting off my valve? The old guy won't sleep a wink waiting for me to explode."
So, you wait for the snowplow and wonder if the 1978 Cherokee is somehow involved in this conspiracy - to the extent of maybe off-roading you down one of the ravines for which Happy Highfields Road is famous.
I don't know if the furnace is involved with the washer, dryer and heater. I hope not. I am, however, a person who leaves nothing to chance.
I've laid in all the wood I can carry without breaking into tears or having arm muscle spasms.
You can depend on a wood stove. I never saw a talking wood stove in a commercial.
LENGTH: Medium: 58 linesby CNB