ROANOKE TIMES 
                      Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times

DATE: Wednesday, January 17, 1996            TAG: 9601170013
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1    EDITION: METRO 
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE

A BRUT-BAN MAKES NO SCENTS TO ME

So you got through the Blizzard of 1996 - along with the young woman from the Weather Channel who reported faithfully from Central Park - and you're feeling smug.

Well, you can just stifle that dumb grin and realize that Multiple Chemical Sensitivity (MCS) is here.

As usual, the word comes from The Wall Street Journal, and the awful thing about it is that this movement has already gathered "activists" - which used to mean people who threw themselves in front of earth-moving vehicles for what they saw as a "good cause."

I think that many of the MCS people must be what are called "extremists" because they are against perfume, for one thing. Hero sandwiches may be next, for all I know.

All of this has led to the suggestion that soon people who wear Chanel No. 5, Evening in Paris or a brand like Lust in the Wind are likely to be seen as politically incorrect.

When people start fooling around with Evening in Paris, it's time for us to call for some restraint. It gets worse. These people hate the smell of Bounce, which, in case some of you don't know, is this stuff you put in the dryer to keep your underwear from sticking together.

It's time to see where this is leading.

Like, Old Bennie here goes down to the branch bank some morning with the odor of Brut splash-on lotion coming off him like the promise of spring and all these people jump on him and dip him in an alkaline-based substance or something?

You'll see. We're headed toward a restaurant system that has Brut and non-Brut sections. I'm not comfortable with smoking/nonsmoking sections yet - although I had my last Winston Light 100 on Aug. 14, 1986, and really shouldn't care.

All of those Calvin Klein ads with naked people climbing all over each other will have to have statements saying perfume can be injurious to your health.

All deodorants will be unscented. This will mean it will no longer be possible to give yourself a quick sniff in the privacy of your own bedroom to make sure you didn't forget the old roll-on.

Offices will be full of forgetful people who smell like milk cows. Then you get another movement: Multiple Odor of Body Sensitivity (MOBS). And It'll be possible to get sued for $75,000 just for smelling bad.

I just want to say one thing here: He who takes my Brut away from me will pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

LENGTH: Medium:   53 lines