ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, January 31, 1996 TAG: 9601310023
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
Just like that - Boom! as John Madden would say - the month of January has gone.
I don't want to come off here as one of those boring old dudes who tell you that time goes faster the older you get.
Let's just say that by the time I make me another ham sandwich and let the cat out, February will be over, too.
And then it will be March and then it will be April, and in April I will hit the BIG SIX-NINE.
This may not seem such a big deal to you people, but I got to thinking the other day - which always make things worse somehow - and I figured Robert Edward Lee surrendered the Army of Northern Virginia a mere SIXTY-TWO YEARS!!! before I was born.
You will recall that it was April - a month that gets more cruel as time goes by - when Marse Robert gave it up.
Anyway, I used to like April all right. But April when you're 22 is a lot different from April when you're 69.
When you start the above kind of thinking, the first thing you know you're figuring out the years between your birth date and the time work was started on the Erie Canal.
This can drive you extremely nuts and cause the neighbors to talk:
"That Bennie. Said he figures the Battle of Hastings was fought 861 years before he was born. Said it made him feel better about himself. Said it made him look younger.
"Sad case. Really. Didn't have the heart to tell him he looks like he was born 961 years after the Battle of Hastings."
You start looking up the birth dates of famous people and go around telling perfect strangers in the ABC store that Charlton Heston is older than you.
You can become a nasty person who makes fun of people who are older than you - despite the fact that many of them could beat you in a foot race.
It makes you feel bad when people at the doctor's office ask you for your birth date. I understand why they have to do this, but it has a tendency to make me dishonest.
Recently, I almost lied and said 4-24-47, but I was afraid it would foul up the insurance.
In that really great April when you were 22, nobody at the doctor's office asked about your birth date. That's because you never went to places like that then.
But, hey, I'm willing to face next April with a bittersweet smile on my face.
I'll be all right. Just as long as Charlton Heston doesn't suddenly get younger than I am.
LENGTH: Medium: 55 linesby CNB