ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Thursday, February 1, 1996 TAG: 9602010076
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Beth Macy
SOURCE: BETH MACY
HELP WANTED: Full-time kids' chauffeur, community volunteer, reader of children's literature, sandwich-maker, supervisor of homework, T-ball and soccer game spectator - and father. Excellent benefits package includes a doctor wife, two wonderful children, a part-time housekeeper, golf-club membership. Ability to endure wisecracks from male associates a must.
As family dilemmas go, John Duckworth calls his decision to quit work to stay at home with the kids a ``no-brainer.''
His wife, Hoye, is an anesthesiologist who works a 60- to 70-hour work week at Roanoke Memorial Hospital.
When she became pregnant with their second child nine years ago, ``We decided that we wanted to have a closer relationship with the kids,'' he says. ``We wanted the make sure our kids have our values.''
The Duckworths came to the same conclusion that many stressed two-income families come to: There wasn't enough time in the day to do everything they wanted to do with their children.
Unlike most two-income families, they had the luxury of being able to do something about it.
The math wasn't tough: With her salary, plus the couple's investments, John figured his job as a fund-raiser for North Cross School was bringing in one-twelfth of the family's annual income.
Good-bye Donna Reed, hello Mr. Mom.
``Any sensible person would've made the decision I made to stay at home,'' says John, 46.
Maybe. But would any sensible male be able to withstand the taunting?
The guys on the golf course tease him relentlessly.
Hoye's male colleagues chime in, too. When John started taking occasional graduate courses a few years back at Hollins College - a women's college, of all places - the cracks got even worse.
``A good friend of ours from the hospital used to say he wanted to be our dog in his next life. Now he says, `No, I want to be John.'''
And when his daughter Sara, now 12, was in pre-school, the teacher asked what her father did for a living. ``My father is allergic to work,'' she said. (John swears the house-keeper put her up to it.)
``A lot of people think what I do is fine,'' he says. ``But sometimes I go to a cocktail party, and someone says, `What do you do?' And I say, `My main responsibility is raising my two kids.'
``I've had guys turn away from me 30 seconds after I said it - as if we had nothing in common.''
Occasionally, John free-lances for his father, a retired Northern Virginia lawyer, selling and marketing CD-ROM legal products. ``To these guys who think you have to have a source of income, it's actually nice to be able to explain that I'm doing this.''
With the increase in flex-time and telecommuting - not to mention corporate downsizing - John senses society is slowly becoming more friendly to men who delve into the domestic side of life.
A 1991 study showed that fathers with working wives were the primary caretakers for one-fifth of all children under age 5.
And a journalism conference I attended last summer featured an entire session on what my husband and I have come to call ``Tag, you're it'' parenting. At our house, child-care arrangements hinge on creative juggling: A mornings-only baby-sitter, a schedule that allows me to work at home in the afternoons while my son naps, and a teacher-husband who pulls equal time changing diapers and fixing supper after school - while I'm finishing my work day.
But you should see the jaws drop when we tell people about it. ``You're soooo lucky you can do that,'' women tell me (and I agree). ``You do what?! You actually go to the grocery store?'' men ask my husband.
Life isn't "The Donna Reed Show" anymore. It's just taking the working world a while to catch on.
Just ask John Duckworth. Even his mother, who was a traditional suburban homemaker in the '50s, has a hard time accepting his role.
``She said, `What are you doing? You're going to be a mom?' She's always concerned about what happens when they leave the nest: Will I have severe depression?''
And while he considers himself blessed to have the resources to stay home - are we not green with envy? - there are days when he realizes that being home with kids is not only the most important job in the world, it's also the toughest.
``There are a lot of Monday mornings when Hoye says, `Thank God I've got to go back to work.'''
LENGTH: Medium: 86 lines ILLUSTRATION: PHOTO: Don Petersen. John and Hoye Duckworth with daughterby CNBSara, 12, and son Alex, 9. color.