ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Thursday, February 1, 1996 TAG: 9602020001
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 6 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: WHY THINGS ARE COLUMN|
SOURCE: JOEL ACHENBACH
This is the penultimate Why column, and is probably the right time to let our readers in on the carefully guarded secret of how to sound smart and informed even when your brain is a sack of mush.
Ideally you should actually be smart and informed, but it's getting harder and harder to pull that off, what with all the distractions of modern life. Who has time to really follow the subtleties of what's going on in Bosnia-Herzagooberna?
A critical thing to remember when you want to sound smart is that you shouldn't use words like ``penultimate,'' because although initially such a word has the twang of intelligence it also may create among listeners the sneaking suspicion that you are just trying to sound smart. You don't want them to think that, especially when you are, in fact, trying to sound smart.
Big words can backfire. Just say ``next-to-last.''
If you are stuck in an intense conversational cluster and find yourself mentally grabbing at air - your brain finding no purchase whatsoever on the topic - just ask a bunch of questions. In a social setting, a question is as good as a declarative statement. People have no idea that you are experiencing a mental whiteout.
Now here's the most important trick the Why staff has mastered over the years: When asked a direct question, do not pause but rather immediately give an answer, even when you don't know what you're talking about. People who encounter the Why staff in person always pepper us with questions, expecting us to disgorge volumes of information. These situations have the potential to be embarrassing, since the Why staff invariably knows less about the subject than does the person asking the question. If we owned up to our ignorance the person might be crushingly disappointed and basically lose faith in everything.
So we just confidently make something up, with an emphasis on speed rather than content. You see, people judge intelligence by response time more than by what you actually say.
Standing tall, with feet firmly planted, also helps. Speaking authoritatively is as much a physical act as it is intellectual. You should practice in front of a mirror, with special concentration on what you do with your shoulders.
If possible, insert a number in your answer, or make a word into a compound noun-don't say ``Argon'' or ``Xenon'' when you can say ``Argon 231'' or ``Xenon Silicate.'' You might want to develop an arsenal of words that can be plugged into any answer - ``isotope,'' for example, and ``pineal gland.''
While concocting an answer you can always buy a few seconds by blurting out, ``Actually, there's some new research on that,'' and mumbling something about NIH or Rockefeller University before finally explaining that sleepy sand, the stuff in your eyes in the morning, is an isotope of carbon secreted by the pineal gland.
The nightmare scenario is that someone present will actually know the correct answer and will point out that you have invented a preposterous lie. It is critical that you do not back down. You should merely thank the interloper for the elegant summation of the scientific orthodoxy that reigned for many decades and might yet survive this new rash of research to which by odd chance you have been made privy.
As a final emergency escape measure, you can sigh and say, ``This is a matter about which, I'm afraid, I'm not really at liberty to speak.'' And then smile enigmatically.
The Mailbag:
We asked readers to send in last-minute questions, and what has struck us is that many people, given a final shot to have a single question answered, didn't ask anything cosmic. Human beings don't actually wander around wondering why the universe exists; rather they wonder about one specific little thing. Nothing is so trivial that it cannot grow into a tormenting mystery.
For example, we got this question from Carma T., of Pleasanton, Calif.:
``Our family has been arguing (off and on for more than 20 years) about something I've never been able to look up or resolve. We even have a bet riding on it. Please, please tell me: In the TV series `High Chaparral,' what color was Uncle Buck's hair? The actor I had seen in many movies (I think his name was Cameron Mitchell), but I had never seen him blond in anything but this series.''
Dear Carma: We always confused ``High Chaparral'' with ``The Big Valley'' and assumed both were knockoffs of ``Bonanza.'' Lots of guys on horses in them parts.
We learned that Cameron Mitchell passed away in July 1994 at the age of 75. So we tracked down his son, Charles ``Chip'' Mitchell, in Los Angeles.
The younger Mitchell enlightened us about the show: It was the most expensive Western series ever shot up to that time, was filmed on location in Old Tucson, ran from 1965 to 1971 on NBC, and was the first Western to treat Mexican-Americans and Indians with dignity, he said.
As for the hair-color issue: He said his father in real life had dark brown hair, but for the show it was dyed blond. This may have been because Uncle Buck's nephew, Blue Boy, also had blond hair.
Now, Carma, you and your family will have to find something else to argue about for the next 20 years.
- Washington Post Writers Group
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