ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Tuesday, February 13, 1996 TAG: 9602130070
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
DATELINE: CHICAGO
TYPE: COMMENTARY
SOURCE: ELLEN WARREN CHICAGO TRIBUNE
You've seen the ads. How could you miss them? Every magazine you pick up lately has a two-page spread, featuring a nasty-looking color photo of a gross big toe.
And the catchy headline in the middle of your TV Guide, your People magazine screams out, ``Kick toenail fungus.''
Whoa. How fast can you turn the page?
Or...perhaps you lingered there. Maybe you know someone who could use the news. The ad says there's a new drug to cure this embarrassing, some would say totally disgusting, problem.
After months of flipping the page so I wouldn't have to look at the picture of someone's revolting yellow toenail, I started wondering.
Are we in the midst of some kind of epidemic? Is this one more thing that Americans need to worry about and - worse yet - protect themselves against?
Regrettably, the answer is yes. After extensive reporting on the problem of decaying toenails, I have some unsettling facts for you to consider.
Approximately 11 million Americans have a fungus eating away at their toenails. This makes the nails thick, yellow, ugly and unpleasant to look at in bright sunlight or in mixed company.
At an international foot seminar, podiatrists swapped stories about how infected toenails even lead to the inability to put your best foot forward in the boudoir.
``There's sexual dysfunction with it because people feel dirty. They feel unclean. Or people take a look at it and think you're unclean,'' podiatrist Warren Joseph told me.
Joseph, chief of infectious diseases at the Pennsylvania College of Podiatric Medicine in Philadelphia, is a genuine expert. Not only is he a respected foot doctor, but he has two toenails on his own personal foot that are infected with the dread fungus.
If you call the desiccated-toenail-hot line number in the ad for the new drug, a recorded voice will tell you that you have plenty of company. Fungus is everywhere waiting to attack.
``Millions have toenail fungus and blame it on the aging process or an active lifestyle...There is hope!''
Then comes the pitch for Sporanox, the new product that is supposed to bring back supple, lustrous toenails to the young and the young at heart.
This brings me to Valentine's Day.
With this day that celebrates love and intimacy just a day away, I think it is my sworn duty, as a public service, to issue the following warning:
Playing footsie can be dangerous to your health.
Yes, gentle reader, like so many other fun activities, even the simple, joyous act of footsie is fraught with hidden peril.
Dr. Joseph himself acknowledged, ``Yes, you can catch it from somebody else. It is contagious.''
Fortunately, for footsie-lovers there is a simple protective device, available for only a few dollars, at stores across the nation. Perhaps you're familiar with it? The sock. It comes in a wide range of colors and sizes, patterned or plain, ribbed or smooth.
To be sure, socked footsie is not the same as the unbridled skin-to-skin contact. But, I hear you can get used to it. Besides, just think of all the places that foot has been.
Meanwhile, Dr. Joseph says this new drug actually works pretty well. And the huge ad campaign has been a big success with 60,000 calls to the toenail fungus hot line in the three months since the ads began appearing.
So, this Valentine's Day, if your true love has not yet begun a regimen of anti-fungal toenail treatment, and you feel you might want to play around from the ankle down with your special Cupid, I've got an idea.
I've written my own sweetheart a little Valentine's poem that goes like this:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Your piggies are yellow
And I still love you.
Then, I'm going to clip out the toenail fungus ad and enclose it with a special gift.
A pair of spanking fresh white cotton socks. Size extra large.
LENGTH: Medium: 83 lines ILLUSTRATION: GRAPHIC: Robert Lunsford. color. KEYWORDS: INFOLINEby CNB