ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, March 6, 1996 TAG: 9603060031
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
What the banking industry needs is a system that will put some real heart into those canned messages you hear while you're clenching the telephone and waiting for a live person to tell you whether you're overdrawn.
I know somebody has to do it, but I don't have a whole lot of patience at a time like that with a canned young woman who is telling me the 800 number to call to arrange a loan.
I may soon be doing time for some inadvertent paper hanging and a home in the West or a new four-wheel drive are pretty far from my mind.
It drives me kind of insane, and instead of a gracefully aging, urbane, debonair though still handsome gentleman, I become a very rude senior citizen.
I know nobody is listening, but I would like to say:
"Yeah, right, Goldilocks. And are you going to bring me a file in a cake that came out of a Pillsbury box when I'm up the river doing three to five? Just get me a live person who can tell me if I'm overdrawn.
"Never mind thanking me for being patient or telling me how my call means a lot to the Bucks-A-Million Bank."
Of course, the Bucks-A-Million security and goodwill police would have been listening, and I would get being abusive over the telephone added to my rap sheet.
Another year at least. Even with a plea bargain.
What the banks need are young women who sound like Kim Basinger. I'm not talking about a 900-number deal featuring Wild Girls From Right Here in Roanoke. This is girl-next-door stuff:
"This is Lois Ann. We know that people who call the bank are in trouble. We know nobody calls unless they are worried about whether the Social Security check really was deposited electronically the third of the month or whether the check for that big bash you put on when your old roommate visited from Montana bounced as high as the ozone layer.
"We're here to tell you everything's going to be all right and we aren't trying to pressure you into a new Bucks-A-Million credit card with a $3,000 limit. We're here to soothe your fears. Press seven now and I'll sing this really nice song I wrote myself about hope for the future."
That's the way to do it, but bankers are conservative and would think even Lois Ann to be a bit racy.
Which is probably all right because listening to a song about hope for the future is not my idea of a lot of fun, although I know that Lois Ann means well.
LENGTH: Medium: 52 linesby CNB