ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Sunday, March 10, 1996 TAG: 9603080037
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: F3 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Margie Fisher
SOURCE: MARGIE FISHER EDITORIAL WRITER
I CAN'T understand those who are always grumbling about junk mail. I love the stuff. I collect it - at least favorite samplings.
When I'm feeling low, in a Rodney Dangerfield funk because I get no respect, these lift my spirits, and validate my existence as an outstanding American citizen who is making a meaningful difference in society and whose opinions are greatly valued.
Somewhere in my collection, for instance, I may still have a letter from then-Vice President George Bush inviting me to become a member of his inner circle of advisers. I think he called it ``the golden circle.'' The invitation was proffered to several thousand people in the country presumed to be willing to fork out at least $2,000 for the honor and privilege.
I wasn't. But the letter's salutation was ``Dear Margie'' - so obviously Bush had put much personal thought into compiling the invitation list, and I was surprised at the reaction I got when, not wanting to appear rude, I called his office to personally decline:
``Hi, may I speak to George? Just tell him it's Margie calling about his propositioning me.''
I'm pretty sure I heard someone whisper in the background: ``Alert the Secret Service. This kook could be dangerous.''
In recent months, I've been similarly propositioned by Big Al Gore, who urgently needs my help to fight the forces of evil in the Republican Party out to destroy the principles that Big Al says he knows I cherish.
Ted Kennedy and Jimmy Carter are pen pals, too.
I've also heard from Big Al D'Amato, who writes: ``It is a great honor for me to nominate you as a delegate-at-large to the Republican Party Planning Committee for the coming year.'' He says Sen. Bob Dole, House Speaker Newt Gingrich and other GOP leaders ``need the benefit of your opinions.''
But lately Pat Buchanan has been trying to convince me not to fall in with Dole and that crowd, but to enlist instead in his ``cultural war ... for the soul of America.''
And - get this - Steve Forbes started heavily courting me a few days ago. He says: ``I want you by my side as an equal partner.'' He didn't say specifically whether he had in mind a joint checking account - but if I were to become his equal partner, I'd certainly insist on it.
I'm not sure why it is that I'm so popular, but I have to tell you it's very time-consuming.
The Democratic National Committee, acting on behalf of President Bill Clinton, stalks me nearly every month for advice in shaping the 1996 Party Platform. I've filled out and returned survey after survey expressing my opinions on the issues, and the DNC always wants more, more, more. The Republican National Committee is just as insatiable.
Now I'll admit that it's somewhat disconcerting that the rich and famous who seek my help and advice always want me to pay them to take it.
Does Sissy Spacek ever drop a line to just say hello without asking for a contribution for the Southern Environmental Law Center?
And I'm beginning to think that Robert Redford is only interested in me for my money. Sure, he sends wildlife calendars and bumper stickers, but a card on Valentine's Day would also be nice. Something that didn't show pictures of starving and horribly mistreated animals, that didn't bring tears to my eyes, that didn't implore me to whip out my credit card and call a toll-free number with a generous donation. I'm not sure how many more tigers I can afford to save.
The politicians? I don't know where these people got the idea I'm an easy touch. True, I occasionally make contributions to nonpartisan organizations that operate on the periphery of government and politics, and I subscribe to a ridiculous number of magazines that specialize in political commentary, left and right. I also do an uncommon amount of shopping through catalog companies, and they're notorious for sharing mailing lists.
But it's cheeky of Big Al Gore to assume he knows what principles I cherish by perusing my purchase orders from Lillian Vernon. And Big Al D'Amato should not jump to the conclusion that I want to defeat Democrats in 1996 because I gave my son a gift subscription to The Weekly Standard. As for Steve and Ted, I'm really worried that they'll try to sell me subscriptions to Forbes and George, when I can't read all the way through half the magazines I take now.
Also, there's my postal carrier to consider. He's threatened to quit his job if I my junk gets any heavier.
OK. Big Al, Big Al, et al., take note: My fan mail from celebs will be unopened and marked ``return to sender,'' at least until the presidential election is over.
I hope, though, this doesn't mean that I'll never again be stalked by Robert Redford.
LENGTH: Medium: 86 linesby CNB